My Wrist Hurts... That Reminds me!

My wrist is in pain this morning.
Thinking about that, I recalled why it hurts.

One morning, near Rune's birth, I woke up and found myself sleeping in a very odd position. This was NOT a position I normally slept in at all. I never EVER did this... I was on my right side with my elbow propping my face up, with my cheek resting on my knuckles, my fingers loose. I was bending my wrist down hard.

I had no idea why I'd ended up in that position. I never ever slept that way. So why?
I recall being confused, but not so surprised that my wrist was aching as such.

My wrist was never to be the same again. Apparently, whatever I did that night, it messed up something bad. A tendon on the outside of the bone, between the wrist joint, would hurt and be weak from the on.

I could barely hold my daughter on my right side. My wrist would give out randomly so I mostly had to bear her weight on my left and often had to hand her off to my mate to keep from dropping her. My wrist would hurt SO badly sometimes. And if I had to bear weight on it (getting up from the floor or picking up something heavy) or if I typed or played a video game too long, I'd feel it getting strained.

It caused me serious pain in seriously bad times. I hated it so much.

The one day... I cured it. I had been practicing Reiki. I had been practicing Reiki on my wrist ... A LOT.
And then suddenly, without thinking about it, I moved my hand along my wrist in just such a way... I heard a loud POP and the pain vanished. It would not reappear for years... until just about two months ago in fact.

And for the longest time then, I would think I'd healed it forever. And I cried with joy.

This reminds me however of a memory that causes me to dig deeper. And digging deeper is what this project is about.

When I was a child, I had weak wrists and ankles. I tried sports some... didn't enjoy most of them... but I couldn't do many things due to my weaknesses.

I tried Gymnastics from 6 years old until 10. Most people don't know this about me.

I started at Showstoppers dance and gymnastics studio at 6 years old. My teacher was a lovely, fit woman with huge curly blond hair named Mrs. Regina. I remember her daughters well. Her oldest was Tara, a beautiful... and I mean BEAUTIFUL girl, fit, athletic, lovely blonde hair and a talent for dance and gymnastics with a beautiful smile, a great attitude and stunning eyes. Her youngest daughter was my age, Tyra. She was just like her older sister, if a bit more superioristic and later, not as nice as I thought she was... but we were kind of friends anyway.

I could not do a back-handspring.
I could not do a front-handspring.
I could not even do a back walk-over.
I could not do... anything that required my wrists to contact the ground and spring me off.
I could do... a cartwheel and a round-off, a summersault (read: rolling over then standing up) and ... that was it.

I did 4 years of gymnastics without ever learning more than this.

Why? Because I wanted to learn so badly... but I just couldn't do it. I was incapable. My wrists would give out and it hurt so much. My ankles would ache after practice.


I couldn't even do the bars. I tried so hard but I was afraid. At the time... I remember telling the instructors that my wrists hurt. But they didn't. I was just so, so afraid I'd fall and hurt myself.
I have always been afraid of heights.

I did some balance-beam exercises... and I did enjoy putting on the recitals. I just ended up wishing I could *do* more.

I remember one year... Regina didn't choreograph our recitals. She just said if you wanted to do a number in the recital, get together with whatever group you were doing it with and choreograph it yourself, give her music, and then perform. I have no idea why she did this. It was the worst recital year ever.

But... I had no friends who wanted to do a number with me. They were all already doing a number with a group and I didn't know enough moves to get into any of them.

So I made up my own.

That was the year Free Willy came out I think. If not, it was at least after it'd come out because I'd been watching it like over and over... And I LOVED the song by Michael Jackson: I will be there... I think?
 "Hold me... .Like the River Jordan... and I will then say to thee... I will be there...." I remember this.

It was a beautiful song. Powerful. Emotional. It moved me.

So I copied it off my copy of Free Willy with my little recorder and made a tape of it. I took it to Mrs. Regina and said it was going to be my recital piece. I then practiced. I practiced all the moves I knew and some dancing with it.

Yeah... 3 moves... and some dancing with it... for a 6 minute song.

The song was actually called "Hold Me" I just looked it up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXGFdXLcnLY

I ran... RAN all the way from the LONG end of the mat to near the end ... and did a dramatic round off... then sprang back.... and in time with the song... a series of summersaults, cartwheels and round-offs. Then some aerials. Then some dancing. And yeah... it kept going like this.

My intended end was this very dramatic dancing part where I would spiral down onto my knees and finally lay my arms down gracefully in front of me and fall fully limp. It was the best part of the whole number when I practiced it.

Come recital day... I could barely remember the order of my few moves. I was so scared.

I did the best I could... and then suddenly... toward the end... at least a half minute before time... middle of a big move... Regina cut the music off.

Sharply.

I looked up, startled, missing a step and almost falling, then stopped where I was... and FINISHED MY DAMNED FINAL MOVE.
She turned the music back on.

I was mid-way through settling down into my finishing move and the WRONG PART OF THE MUSIC just picked up suddenly.
I almost cried.
I just finished the end move. So she turned it off again, sharply. At the wrong point. I just lay there until people clapped weakly then I got up and left.


I cried. She'd RUINED my number.

And I had no idea why. It was so mean of her. I asked later and she said that we were just running out of time.

I was like "But... it was the WRONG TIME!"

She didn't care. Obviously.

And in retrospect, I of course realize... that for someone putting on a show to encourage people that they want to pay her to teach their kids gymnastics and dance ... 6 minutes of your weakest student ever showing off nearly NOTHING learned in 4 years of study... is an awful thing to let go on as planned.

But then...
If you were ever worried about that at ALL...

You should have choreographed your damned show.
Or at least have screened the performances ahead of time.

As such.
I don't have the nicest memories of Regina.
She kinda embarrassed me horribly.

And I realize... this connects back to all of my failed performer nature...

I wonder how many times I tried to shine... and just fell flat... and it hurt.

I recall another time... I tried to sing a song I knew WELL... a Disney song. (I want to say it was "Part of Your World" from "The Little Mermaid" again) when I was like... 11-12 at a social function my dad was running (like a public thing for his work)... And I forgot the words midway through. And turned off the mic, put it down, and ran from the room crying. Because I had just ... forgotten... and gotten nervous.

The more I think about my history as a performer... the more I realize I was never very good at the performing part. I was great at it when I was in private... but when I hit the pressure of the stage...


I did a musical number in a play for Alabama Children's Theater when I was like 5 or 6. I was a gypsy and I had one part: singing a song during an interlude when some gypsies appeared. I remember the part well. I was dressed as a gypsy, I had a tamborine... I played it in time while I sang. "We are travelers. Without passports. And we haven't got a vista to our name. We are travelers. Without passports. But we reach our destination just the same."

That was it. I was chorus to ONE song.

And I still recall getting nervous enough I almost dropped my tamborine.

I was... so excited to be on stage. And so SAD every time in rehearsal that I watched someone with a REAL part acting up there... All I got to do was sing in a chorus. It made me sad. Like... if they would EVER just give me a chance... I KNEW I could do that part better than that guy over there... or say that line with more emotion than that girl was ... and...

That was always what it was like.

The more I think on it...I'm glad I never got into theater.
It mostly only brought me pain.

And my roleplaying hobby... fulfills that need mostly. And I enjoy it. And I can play whichever part I choose.
And if I get nervous on stage... I can just lift a hand to my friends and say "Give me a sec.." then go on with the show. And no one will make me feel bad about it...

.... or cut my music off suddenly.