Abi: Imaginary something. [09/30]

I never talk about Adam, in fact I tried to pack him away with the things I feel are ‘childish’ and forget about him… but having Amanda talk about imaginary friends made me remember…
Bringing this up makes me feel I will be judged, or people will simply think me to be a nutter. However, I’m going to try to put that fear of judgement aside in order to remember myself, my past, and the spirit of Adam.


Adam doesn’t exist outside of my head.
I don’t know if you would term him an imaginary friend, as he wasn’t so much a friend as an extension of myself… or that is the best I can describe him. It’s really hard… we were not friendly, I don’t think… Again, it’s so incredibly hard to explain what Adam was, or how I felt about him.
I don’t even think he had a voice, but then again he didn’t need one either… he was the voice in the back of my mind.


He was short, shorter than me, and lithe. Very much like an elf of sorts, at about a little over three feet tall… He had brown hair and a very memorable way of moving. Kind of like a cat with really long limbs. In fact he did moved on hands and feet from time to time, under certain circumstances, like leaping from one thing to the next to keep up with the school bus or car. Thinking back of him, actually, he reminds me a lot of the character Gump from Legend (come on, you know the movie, the one with Tim Curry as Darkness and Tom Cruise in the short-shorts that were severely disturbing (or was that just me being horrified by his wardrobe?)).
I remember him being very earthy… and even as I express how he looked he wasn’t always formed sound like that… Sometimes he was like a wisp of a breeze or a flutter of a shadow.


There was a time in my life, for several years I recall (mostly junior high going into high school), that he’d follow me about. He never got close really, just always off to the side travelling parallel to me. Sometimes I would sense a movement from him in a direction when my attention was needed… but perhaps I was just projecting that, though. I can never ever settle on believing that he held knowledge outside of my own existence, that would seem highly improbable. Again, this is a constant battle with my ‘logic’ and whatever you want to call the other side wanting me to trust in something more than the provable sciences.


Adam was a distraction; something to keep me amused and humoured when things were boring or irritating. He’d be the one poking the stick into the spokes of a bicycle of someone who cut me off on the sidewalk… Or he was the one pulling plugs on things, like the overhead projector when I was annoyed with  Ms “Airhead”s notes on her pseudo-English/Literature.
I had a statement to to add in here, but it’s so hard to not feel I am going to crazy to believe such things happened like they did around me… I don’t even know if I ever believed it thoroughly, I fight with this, but a part of me insists that Adam brought my will to life… It all makes no sense to me…
It’s like I’d see him causing something that would then happen in reality.
Again, it’s so hard to explain this… it makes me feel preposterous to have had him in my past, to believe he was anything more than me just daydreaming.

Just talking about him I feel a little ashamed, and like if I admitted to having something like this present in my life right now people would think me certifiable. A bit of me thinks it was that fear of being properly outside of my head that resulted in him disappearing from my life…
I recall a lot more about him, but I really now feel enormously uncomfortable with thinking of it on a public forum… because I seriously question my sanity to think those things actually happened as I remember them.


Regardless,  today, I remember Adam.