Then and Now...

My "day" doesn't end til I go to sleep. My schedule is weird. Deal. This is my post for Sep 7.

If I observe how I felt about something years ago and then how I feel about it now... and the feelings are not the same... What exactly has changed?

Me?
The thing I'm observing?
The Times?
The Context?
All of the above?

Last night I couldn't sleep. Anna went to bed around midnight and I was not tired at all. I tried. But sleep refused to come. So instead, I ended up at my computer again. I was bored. There was no one on to talk to. I had nothing to do that I had the energy for. I opened my TV folder and glanced at a show Jen had tossed onto my flash drive for me recently... all five seasons of Queer as Folk. I clicked the first episode and stayed up until 6 in the morning watching...

When I was a teen... I realized at some point in there that I was not "straight".
I wouldn't figure out until YEARS later what I really "was" or "was not". But normal wasn't for me.

I was FASCINATED with anything that had gay characters and really turned on by anything involving boy on boy romance. I read Gundam Wing Yaoi Fanfiction like it was going out of style until it literally did.
And then some.

And at some point... when I was 19 or 20 or so... Queer as Folk debuted and became my instantly favorite show. It was about gay people. Of course I loved it. Being that I had been in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender from me physically since I was 15... I had always been labeled a "Homophile" by my friends. Fair enough.

I watched any anime, hentai, movie or television show that had gay people in it. That was my thing. I drew gay art, read gay books and wore gay clothes. I wanted to be gay so badly. I was just happily in love with someone of the opposite sex. Sorta.

I'm genderqueer as all fuck. So that part was really debatable. I just didn't understand that at the time.

So Queer as Folk became my thing. I watched the first season on loan from a friend on DVD... Then watched a few eps of the second season before I had to return the dvds and never got to see more. Still.. it meant a lot to me to get to watch that show for a few months during those early 20's years.

I remember how I felt about the show.
I thought it was the most awesome television show EVER.
It was so clever, hilarious, dramatic, touching and had a great plot. Also, awesome music... and SO much homoerotic eye-candy. Yay. I enjoyed it.

My favorite characters were... Emmett of course, Justin and Mikey.
I HATED Brian with a passion, had no use for the lesbians (because they were girls.. wtf were they in my gay guy show for?) and I felt Ted was really just a waste of camera time.

Flash forward like 6 years to last night.
I watched 5 episodes of Queer as Folk and my feelings on the show NOW are as follows:

Favorite character: Brian followed by Emmett.
I HATE Justin and Mikey.
Ted has a lot more substance to him than I remembered and is actually kind cool and usually amusing. I relate to him in a way. He's not a waste of camera time, tho still not my favorite character.

General observations on the show... still pretty good. A bit campier at points than I like... sometimes a bit TOO graphic for my tastes all things considered.. and FUCK YEAH! LESBIANS! :D Woot! Lesbians are awesome now!

This post isn't a trail of memories that I'm running through like yesterday's.
This post is a comparison of how I have changed.
And watching some of that show again as I am now reminded me how I felt then.
I remembered the person I was then... and I realize why I felt how I did.
I was a kid. I did not "get" a lot of what makes me now think Brian is the best character. I didn't understand him. I related to the teenager, go figure. And now I find the teenager to be obtuse and idiotic.

I didn't think he was idiotic back then.
My feelings and observations have changed.

This is relative in a big way... remembering how we felt about something at another point in our lives... and comparing it to how we feel today... That's big. It's important.

Sorry if it's not what everyone was expecting today. But to me, this comparison is invaluable.
I remember me at age 19. I was so gay... for a person in a hetero relationship lol.

Let's me fair. I'm still so gay. I just understand myself better now.