Day 5: Crush is a 4 letter word

(I won't have time to post this later due to work, so I decide to post it now. Sorry it is so long. )

I don't remember when I first started to be attracted to other people. I know I had celebrity crushes before, remembering putting up those tiger beat posters of people like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Brad Renfro. I am sure as a teenage we all do that.

I do remember my crushes have always been random. There is a mix of good qualities in some of the people, despite their bad behavior, and sometimes I overlooked bad behavior because I was in love with someone. Sometimes I have been lucky though, my crushes were actually nice people who treated me well, I just never was the girl for them. I actually wish most of my crushes happiness... There is actually maybe one that I actually basically told him to fuck off, but that is probably a story unto itself, but it may work in this entry or not.

The first crush I remember having of someone I actually knew was this boy, cm, in my english class. I had a dream about him once... since I may be talking about random people I am just going to use intials or code names where possible. I had a dream we were sitting at a desk, and someone was standing over us, which actually looked like a cross between a catholic priest and the grim reaper. Anyway this creature asked me if I would marry him. Not sure what CM actually answered but I realized from that moment on I started to think about him all the time.

I know in High school I was a bit of a mess, some days I wouldn't brush my hair, I was socially awkward, and I know I didn't always take a shower every day. I am sure there was other reasons. I never really belong to one specific group of people... I wasn't a band kid, we didn't have the money, I wasn't an anime kid, or a science nerd, or anything like that. Actually most of my friends through high school were a wide group of people, a lot from different groups, and some of them were also likes me on the fringes of several different groups.

Instead of actually asking him straight on a date, I have never been that straight forward. I am not sure I will ever be that forward. What I did do is try to become his friend. I would talk to him more in class, ask him questions about his interest.

As I think back, i think he was probably considered one of the popular kids. He also played in the band, and the band was a big deal at the junior high and the high school. We actually had very talented musicians for the most part, and a lot of the students in the band were some of the brightest as well. If not one of the higher popular kids (I am sure I don't need to explain the hierarchy of a high school, it is all very clique-like) he was definitely a lot more popular than me.

Though I am sure I wasn't at all popular in school, I had friends yes, I was friendly to most people, but I didn't have a lot of close friends, just a small group. So, I am sure having more than a small group of close friends would probably seem like a huge gap in popularity to me.

I tried to do whatever I could to make him like me. I would remember his birthday. I would write random notes in the summer. I would go see the band play. Just a lot of little random things...I know once for his birthday I sang him a random song by his locker.

I like to be nice to a lot of people as I have said before. I have always tried to give people random gifts. One of my crushes at work, I would actually leave random stuff for him to find when he worked in the money room. I just thought it would be funny.

Since we are talking about him. I am actually still sort of friends with him, even though I don't work there anymore. I was randomly texting him the other day as I was bored at work, and he was answering me back as if I saw him the other day and not a few months ago. His intials are mf, which I always thought was funny. ( I would text my friends that mf was doing such, and such...even funnier after my crush was over, and we were talking about him as a manager, especially when they would randomly text me things about mf. They had adopted the art of calling him that in texts as well.))

I met him the first day when I went for my interview at the dog track. He was randomly coming into the office to make copies of something. He greeted me with a smile, and asked if I needed help. (Actually note to self, just because a boy is nice to you does not mean you need to instantly crush on him...though it happens)

I thought he was cute, and didn't think anything of it at the time. He sort of worked in accounting, which isn't the same department. I realized a few weeks later that he also helped in our money room one day a week, and also sometimes upstairs in the poker room.

I think for awhile, I would just say hi to him, we wouldn't necessarily have any real conversations. Just friendly chatter like how is your day, how is work...etc...nothing major (Though later we became closer friends)

I am not sure how long into the crush I realized that he had a fiance. (They are actually married now) One thing I have never been for is a person to want to break up relationships...well not entirely. (I did sort of want to see one of my crushes and his current girlfriend break up, not because I wanted to get with him, this was several months after my crush was over, and they had been dating awhile. It was like he was a different person when he started dating her, and part of the reason I wanted to help someone break them up was so he could see the person she really was. She is a very fake person. Maybe I will talk about him some other day. If I do his initals are JC)

At that moment when he knew he had a fiancee. I felt bad about the crush... though, that didn't stop me from when I started leaving him random messages. I was doing it to become his friend more, and also because I thought it would be something fun to liven his Tuesdays in the money room. it wasn't anything spectacular... I would randomly leave him circus peanuts, as he liked them, or random cards, and random snacks. Just something I thought he would like.

I think that is actually something I do with a lot of my crushes. I try to find out things they may like, and leave them small little presents... I do leave other people random presents, but I know that there have been times I have gone out of my way to find something for them, like an awesome star wars poster, or a sketch pad. Just random things they like.

One thing i also realize i do with all my crushes is I started to develop some of their likes. Not on purpose. I actually get most of my likes from other people. Someone mentions something that sounds interesting like an actor, or a hobby like magic, and it gets me interested in it. I think some of the things I had an interest in before, but it may make me take up the interest again. Like one of my crushes liked computers (or let me rephrase at least three of my crushes have been computer guys) but this one specific one, FP, and we had gotten in a discussion on coding, and html. Then, I started randomly trying to learn CSS (which i never actually managed to learn) He actually had a beginner's guide to HTML that he had given away a few weeks before I had decided to try to learn code again... which i hadn't even thought of at the time.. He had offered it to me, but I didn't have much room for books (which is actually sad... as i am sure if you are on the remember yourself project about my love for books)

Speaking of interests, I do notice that some of my crushes share the same interest. More than one guy I had a crush on liked magic, one was a decent magician, the other one I never saw a trick for but I actually am sure he is a better magician. At least three of them liked computers. About three of them were into acting... Actually I have thought it before, but maybe if I find someone with some of these interests I should instantly bolt... Just kidding some of my crushes are still my friend, or I hope they are.

This turned into a lot longer than I thought, and I could probably go on and on about the mistakes I have made with my crushes, or things i discovered afterwards.... but maybe I will save that for another day