Day 10: The game of love hurts

I am not sure what memory I want to include today. It is hard to think about what I actually want to type up. All the memories that are coming back to me make me sound either very retarded, or like a loser.

I don't really want sympathy for some of the things that happen in my life. I fully admit they are my fault, and most of them come about from me making mistakes, or for petty crushes. I have been trying to think of a positive memory lately, and it is hard pressed to come. I thought maybe I would try to determine why I am single, and probably will always remain so.

That could just be my head talking. I am not sure. So, despite the fact my memories make me sound like a loser, i feel like that most of the time so I guess there is nothing wrong with me sharing them.

I think I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, that I told my crush in the last few days that I liked him. (I am not sure he realized before.) His response was to say, "he thought I was a cool chick, and he was seeing someone right now. But He was flattered and he was sure that some day I would find someone just as taken by my quirky (not weird) personality"

I can't fault him. He really is a cool guy, and he deserves someone who can see how amazing he is. Someone worthy of him. I haven't felt that way and that was one of the reasons I told him in a way. I want to be his friend. My head fights with me that it is not okay to text him or talk to him. So, I just wanted to see if there could be a possibility of something more, but I wasn't sure if I could trust my head that at times i felt he did like me like that... maybe he did, and does..and i just never gained the confidence to ask him out before...

My memory today is not about him. I am sure there are memories I could share about him. I am sure all are going to be slightly skewed though. All the days run into each other, and the more I think about it, the more I think I can not read people since i am so used to plotting things in my head, that as soon as something happens, it alters itself in my head.

So, anyway, my memory today is about another crush I had KM, and about when i built up the courage to tell him I like him.

We worked together as Summer Residential Assistants. He was struggling with a lot of things, and so was I.

Actually when I told him I liked him, he was debating about whether he was gay or not. I was having a bad day, and he had come by for some reason... Knowing my twisted mind, I may have called him to let him know I had something to tell him... I think I know he was coming... But maybe now that I think about it, maybe I didn't... I may have just being randomly passive aggressive and had decided to be push him away, so he would leave me alone.

(I have a tendency to push people away especially when my depression is raging because I don't see how anyone would want to be friends with me.)

So, I don't think I knew he was coming, because when he knocked on the door, I was crying. I don't really like to cry in front of people so that is why I think he surprised me.

At that time he had been debating about whether he was gay or not.

He came in, and I was trying to hide the tears, but he asked me what is wrong... I told him that I couldn't see anyone seeing me as pretty, that I was a horrible ugly person. I was depressed since the crush seemed pointless, and I didn't see any reason why anyone would want to date me.

He told me he did like me, and he did think I was pretty. He said that if he wasn't gay he would go out with me.

There were other things said, and eventually I stopped crying, and I think he took me out to do something random.

I remember another conversation later. This time without tears. We had gone to see a play on campus. We were walking around, and he decided we should sit by the duck pond and watch the ducks.

I was actually calm that day, having a lovely day. His depression though was rearing its ugly head, and he was moody. He had just seen a friend of his at the play. He and this guy had been best friends the summer before he started working with me, and they had gone through this huge fight... Basically it was about the time that km was deciding he was gay but hadn't admitted it... and they ended up having a disagreement, partly I think because this friend started dating someone and spending more time with her than KM. I think there were other factors involved, but it is hard to see all the issues in a fight you weren't involved in.

So, anyway, me and KM were having a friendly discussion about life. I am not sure how it came up, but I remember him telling me he was going to start dating this girl name Amy. She used to work with him, and was working as a Summer RA in another building, and I guess she had been flirting with him for awhile.

I knew she had been flirting but I hadn't worried about it. Especially since I had been trying hard to just enjoy his company whenever we hung out. I wasn't trying to pressure him in a relationship since it seemed he didn't want one, and we were both trying to work on issues.

After that conversation, I tried to be friends with him. I found it harder to be friends. Part of it was because I was confused about the conversation we had had before. If he decided he was straight, (or bi, since obviously he is bi) he said he would have asked me on a date.

I wasn't flirting with him, because he told me he had decided he was completely gay. So, I wasn't trying to push. I was trying to be his friend. I guess maybe I should have been flirting with him.

We were friends for about two semesters more after that but our relationship was very strained. After that I felt more and more like he was only hanging out with me because he felt he was forced to hang out with me. I know i lashed out on him several times... though he lashed out on me several times too... but that sometimes is the nature of depression, it is so easily to try to push away positive things in your life.

He didn't date her very long because he decided again that he was purely gay.

When I graduated we were sort of civil, saying hi occasionally... I knew he was still on my facebook for awhile... It was hard to tell right after college because I didn't always have internet access all the time. I noticed one day he was not on my friends list anymore.

I am not sure if I am happy about that but sad. I do remember trying my hardest to keep the friendship, but maybe it wasn't meant to be. I hope he is doing well, last time I snuck on his facebook, and found a journal he had. It talked about his work with a children's theatre. He is the director. I think it was only a summer program. I think he is still single though. (i know there was a few relationships mentioned before I realized he was no longer my friend)

I don't think now that I would have been a good match with KM. Probably not a good match for two people with depression to date... But I wonder sometimes if maybe there is no match for me... I can definitely see why it took me 7 months to build up the courage to ask someone out again, and not take it back... Maybe that was 7 months too long, and I should have asked him out when I first got the idea. Maybe i should have stopped being his friend a long time ago... I wonder if I brought bad things into my crush's life, and maybe when I stay away the good things he deserves will happen

maybe I am meant to be alone. People say there is someone for everyone, but maybe that is not true... Maybe some people deserve to be alone... and I guess based on my experiences with KM and some other people...anyone i develop a crush on I should warn that they probably will find a significant other soon no matter how temporary, it just is not going to be me.

Who knows... maybe I am just letting bad experiences cloud my judgement, just because every single person I have developed a crush on has either started dating someone while i have a crush on them (or on three instances actually dating someone) just been a fluke... Maybe one day there will be a person for me... but at the moment I am not thinking that is true.