Abi: Weakly Voiced [18/30]

I used to love to sing. Well, I still do, but I keep it confined to only when I am alone, or alone with my girls.
I used to think myself a strong voice, a beautiful voice even… I’ve always have sought music in my life, but never had the chance to learn an instrument so I was a singer… It suited me well, anyways, as I have a knack for remembering lyrics to nearly anything after the first or second time of hearing it.
When we went to Landmark Baptist in Haines City (which we were all bribed to go by candy given out all through the bus rides and services, no joke) I would love to go up on the stage and sing. They let anyone go up, and I remember looking forward to it… Sometimes my best friend from there, Christina, would go up with me. I wish I could remember the song that we sang, as it’s teasing my mind so madly right now… I want to say it had something about angels in it.
(Argh, this is going to bother me! It’s right here, so close, but so far!)
Then I remember at Memorial Elementary that I went up to sing a bit of the National Anthem, in Ms. Dean’s 4th grade class, for some audition or something. Afterwards someone had ended up mocking how wide I’d opened my mouth to sing it. I never forgot that, because I was hurt… And honestly, this is the only outside source I can actually recall that made me question my singing… But children were cruel, and I was used to being teased come this point, sadly.

When we moved to Arcadia, I got involved in the Choir at the local church… Where now I get confused, because I want to call that one Landmark as well, but I highly doubt they both were… so my memory fails me on that part.
I remember I would be picked up from Desoto Middle School to go to Choir practice, then Alicia’s mum would take me home…
[I remember Alicia a little now, as well, and how I had a sleep over at her house (in the middle of nowhere) and was very surprised to see how she lived, and how her very religious parents wouldn’t let her watch anything but G-rated media (which, by this time, I’d been watching R-rated materials for years with my mum). She and her friends were all very goodie-good, and I was just starting into my paranormal studies (and soon after Wicca), and I totally felt like an outcast around them.]

Come Junior High, in Melbourne, I went into the school Chorus. I remember then I started to question my singing. Again, I can’t remember anything to say I was a bad singer, at all, besides my own personal beliefs that developed (from what, I don’t know).
I remember going to regionals with them, I remember the recitals and the prep rally performances. I liked to be a part of it, to be surrounded by the music… it was amazing when we were preforming.
But I’m trying to figure out where I just started feeling weird about myself… It was around the time my anxiety issues were starting, where things started to mean more to me when people were critical… but I still don’t remember anyone saying anything to me about my singing.

The second year of Chorus I lip synced the whole year. Even through the mid-terms and finals… I always pride myself on fooling the teacher who swore she’d know if we were lip synching… Even when paired with three other people for the exam, she didn’t notice…. Though she told me to sing louder a few times throughout the year…

That was the last year I bothered with singing. I even stopped singing in church, which is pretty much only family. I just, I am pretty firm on the thought that no one wants to hear me, but, for the life of me, even after trying to map it all out in my head, I cannot figure where this seed of doubt came from. I always remember being encouraged to sing, to be a part of these groups, and no one ever spoke ill towards me that I recall.

Oh, but I DO suck when it comes to singing, so whatever, it was probably the best to keep me from future embarrassment. I kind of imagine my younger, more encouraged singer part, as one of those determined auditions on American Idol, where you cringe to hear them sing… yeah, that was me. The shame!