Abi: In the dead of night. [17/30]

I’ve been insanely tempted to start meditating again, now that the little ones often sleep for hours stretches at night, and if John isn’t home there is nothing to interrupt me (besides the noisy neighbours, that is). I had to stop and think, though, to why I haven’t meditated in ages… and why the though actually kind of put me off a little.
I’m going to post it how I saw it and I really could care less if anyone believes me on any of it, because I know it sounds a little strange… I’m still trying to wrap my head around it and it’s been over ten years!

I remember pretty clear three of the last few times I meditated, because unusual things happened during those times… I vaguely remember there was at least another incident (or two, possibly, I might have to look in my old journal) I had, but I don’t recall the details, so I discount that now.
I don’t remember where I learned my meditation method, but it usually involved me starting out by mentally walking onto a bridge on a rainy night. Here the rain would wash over me, and I would let the negative emotions within me come through the skin, and join the water falling from my finger tips, my nose, my legs, where ever the rain water would roll down and off of me. I’d mentally let these negativity fall through the cracks, between the black wood slats of the bridge, and into the gushing waters below to be diluted into nullity.
From there I would travel.
I know from time to time I tried to project myself places, in some ill attempt at astral travel… but I never remember it getting me anywhere.
I would just wander, then, the creations within my head.

The first event I remember was in Melbourne, in the old Avocado apartment. It was dark in the living room (I have always had this thing about sitting or pacing in the dark, it drives John batty, but it’s my haven of sorts) and I was sitting on the couch. I think I was only wearing a top or nightie of some sort, because I remember having one of the very colourful afghans about my legs (as I hate the feeling of nakedness).  I was sitting there, just trying to be elsewhere…
Well, I remember walking through some tunnels in the dead of night, no where to be and no rush to get there. Then I was blinded by a set of headlights, who then swerved to miss me. I think there was a single scream, but it’s a little uncertain now.
I have an overactive imagination so I didn’t don’t I think much of it, but I am no less a little shaken by this…
That night I find out about someone’s death, and then much later find out how they actually died… and it just kind of rattled me… But, I just take note and move on.

The next event marked, I was in my bedroom, in the same apartment. I’m mediating while my parents are watching wrestling (and I don’t know what my sister was doing at the time). I start it out normally, walking on the bridge, then I think I ended up in my ‘garden’ or something. I don’t remember that actual mediation I did, what I do recall is how I decided to return to reality. I decided to just fall backwards to land on my bed. I had never done it like that before, it was absurd..  and never did it again…
And while this was going on, apparently someone (I know the names of these people, I’m just trying NOT to make some connection to them because, well, this is most likely all in my head) on the show my parents were watching fell from something to his death.

Okay, so, come this point I’m not liking my mediations. It started to honestly creep me out, because for whatever reason these events are lining up with these meditations and these weird encounters within them. I, honestly, don’t think there is any validity to any of it, but I am still bothered enough to not want to test it again… at least for some time.

The next meditation that troubled me, and probably the last actual attempt I’ve done since then, I was in my bedroom at the new apartment in Melbourne. I was laying sideways on my bed  so that my feet were on the floor, and I had my giant headphones on listening to my thunderstorm CD.
I remember suddenly hearing some screams. The first one seemed of fright, then I think there was two or three more, of pain (I can’t recall it as well as I used to). They were loud and while I was insanely scared to start off with, with the first scream, suddenly I felt this unnatural sense of calm about it… Like, something was telling me that it’s okay… Okay, not telling me, more like forcing me to know it was okay. It was really such a curious thing, I can hardly express it. It was, however, very unnatural feeling.
I still tried to investigate the noises afterwards, I wouldn’t be myself if I just didn’t bother to figure it out. It sounded like it had come from upstairs, from the bathroom area of the apartment (but too loud to actually be outside our apartment, if that makes any sense.. .like it wasn’t muffled by walls or anything). I recall asking Amanda if she’d heard it, I might have woken her to do so, and I remember knowing it wasn’t on my CD… But it was so real to me, so loud and clear… and while I had the feeling it was okay during the end of the incident, I started to get a little panicked about it afterwards. For the longest time those screams lingered in the back of my head… What the hell had it been?
I always wonder a little if it had to do with the prominent event that happened less that 48 hours later…  but I keep convincing myself connecting any of these mediations with these events, these deaths, is just ludicrous…
I keep trying to say the same with my dreams, where I find out the morning of the dreams these events that I dreamt about actually happened… I can name two times without even thinking on it a minute, and they were both of death…

This is why I stopped meditating… I had this crazy feeling in me that I was either causing or foreseeing (or seeing in current time) death… and I really got bothered by that…

Now I am tempted to mediate tonight to prove that me doing so will not correlate with anything of the sort.

[Unrelated personal note about current issues: I haven’t any internet connection at home, so while I will finish this challenge I might not be able to post them all on time (I will backdate in these cases) and I can’t go back and edit my mistakes (or post my signature picture on these). I will try to proof read them better BEFORE I post, but I am still prone to errors, so please forgive me.]