Abi: Diverging Paths. [08/30]

Today, because of recent events going on in my life, I thought I would try to recall some memories about my closest friend in Junior High: Loki (though I called her by her birth name at the time, but I’ll not use that because it is an extremely unique name).


[Please forgive the scattered way of arranging these memories, I’m trying to pull it into a chronological path, but it’s ever so hard at the moment.]


The day I first saw her (and forgive the gender confusion, I will recall the memories as they were) she was coming out of the girls locker rooms. She was six foot something (or I assume, I’m just short and I remember she towered over me) and like a pillar, with very short black hair and a drawn brow. I literally had to do a double take, because I thought for a moment there was a guy coming out of the girl’s locker room.


I don’t remember how we started talking, as hard as I try, but I think it was pretty much because we were a part of the same lunch group back in school (where basically we stood around while very few of us ever ate lunch… well I never did). Once we started talking, though, we clicked pretty fast. We didn’t have similar interest at the time, but we reflected different sides that the other person needed at the time. She was the fearlessly bold persona who made me feel safe, and wanted. We could be dead serious together, or just lunatics, and it worked out so well.
I remember hanging out at her house a few times. She had a wooden practice sword she liked to play with (whose name now eludes me), along with several katanas. She was into martial arts, something I never could care much for, and into loud music that was eagerly ‘jumped’ to (I say ‘jumped’  because her form of dance was a series of jumps (not fluffy bunny jumps, mind you, like a mush pit without the bodies) with a bit of head banging). I remember feeling completely out of sorts in her bedroom (with oddly enough I can picture very well), I was fairly uncomfortable there.
I recall at one point she was playing a video game (Mr. Bones or something like that), with Offspring playing on the stereo above her television. I remember the Interlude Intermission played, that sticks to me even to today. I remember feeling lightheaded, probably from lack of sleep, and being severely disturbed by the multiple outlets of noise.
It was such a weird thing to be at her place, it was the only time I ever remember (until later) like we were such vastly different entities. Most of our time spent together was on school grounds or on the phone.
In fact, the thought that we held such a good relationship is astonishing when I think back, because we only ever had one semester class together, which was that horrible excuse of an art class, and that was before we even really knew each other.


Loki gifted me my first set of tarot cards, which I actually took out of storage Tuesday so that I could have multiple decks handy. She’s one of the people in my life who didn’t make me feel like an outcast because I was, currently, looking more into Wicca and Paganism (while living in a hugely religious Baptist family). At the time she was a Catholic, I believe, but I do know that after she left Melbourne she got into Paganism… and later became a High Priest. She was the first people who ended up studying witchcraft after we parted, which later would become a bit of a lengthy list later on (which I find at least a little odd, because apparently I inspired a lot of people, but then left that path myself).


Another thing I remember was a sort of experiment we did. It’s really hard to explain outside of saying I walked her mind and helped collected things and knowledge for her. I counselled her, sort of. I don’t know how else to say it, or if anyone one could understand or even believe what happened. It was very strange experience because it was so limitless and new, but at the same time it was very comfortable, and for awhile I felt I took on bits of her from these experiments.
I can still remember how it felt, the colours there in, and how she was so masculine.


Then Loki she started dating M, who I honestly couldn’t stand because she always gave me this sense of egotism and violence that I ached to even be near her. I remember it became a very troubled time for Loki, between questioning sexually and gender, trying to be honest about who she was, and just the family who was so close-minded and dominating (well, I say dominating because that was the impression I had). I remember her dad’s girlfriend became a huge issue…
I remember how Loki hit such a rough patch, how M became a harmful obsession and how slowly things shifted. It was then that she confided in me more than ever, and I started to feel like I was only ever spoken to when something was wanted from me… usually advice.
I remember how hurt I became.


Eventually Loki moved off to live with her brother or sister (I don’t recall who was first). I remember she went to a funeral for family in Porto Rica and then never came back. I lost my best friend, even if we’d shifted we were still so close… but then, gone.
Somewhere along the line, but cannot place correctly in a time line, Loki became angry with me. She accused me of laughing at her when she was talking about suicide, which I cannot even recall (even then, closer to the time of the event, when I have a fairly decent memory) let alone ever believe I could do… I remember we’d straightened it out, apologies were made, and things went on…
At some point I did have a little bit of a crush on Loki. Nothing serious, but she really did give me such a sense of being wanted and a feeling of protection that I grew very fond of feeling.
Since she moved from Melbourne there have been bits and pieces of contact, nothing sincere though, that time has past apparently. Our lives have ended us up in such immensely different places than we would have imaged in our early teen years.
Currently she is now a he, which doesn’t surprise me one bit because it was meant to be so.
Though I will say seeing vid of him without a shirt on really did startle me…. but I have a strict rule about chest: I only want to see them bare if they have breast (and usually not even then). ;D



I think, even if the friendship was relatively brief in time, she will never be lost in my thoughts. She impacted my life, let me feel that there was no shame in questioning things (especially religion). She also let me know that there could be a serious connection with people outside of myself. She was one of the first person I could ever be myself around and not feel judged…  And she will always be an image of bravery and of embracing who you are regardless of other’s opinions.




Now done and onwards, preferably: please and thank you.