Abi: Can’t stop the hand. [28/30]

Drawing and I have a love/hate relationship. I remember when it came to school, I always received praise and awards for my drawings. I was always in the top of the class for artistic thing, up until High School when different art classes were more accessible and my inspiration became diminished.
I kind of grew into the artist thing, when I was younger. It was, and still is, said to be one of my strong suits… though I might have agreed when I was younger, I don’t feel the same when I can look at all the amazing things other people have done. My art always seems to pale in comparison.

I remember Science class was always my favourite for drawing in. I want to say it was 6th grade where I always had my picture posted for all to see in the hallways. I took pride in it, even though I never felt it was as special made it out to be. I liked to draw then, it was my main emotional outlet until I became a teen and got into poetry and writing (when then stole the passion, I think).

I do remember in one of my History classes we were to draw and colour with crayon a picture, and I worked hard on my picture after school, as well as in class, until I had a lovely image in bold colours. I want to say it was an image of a Bayou, or it was a weeping willow over a lake of some sort. It was solid crayon, though, from top to bottom, but so beautiful. My teacher loved it greatly, and took it, with her favourites for display, to be laminated. I remember my horror to see the heat had melted the colours into each other! I also remember the mockery from the cruel whispering students, talking about how cheap my crayons must have been.
Sudden my beautiful art was a monster and was mocked, and I never forgot that… It hurt. I was little, and my art was all I felt I had to offer, and here it was being destroyed and then, on top of that, ridiculed. I had met critics, and it would never be the same.

I took a pseudo-graphics design class in High School. I remember the teacher wasn’t very knowledgeable, especially on computers, and was learning with us. It was a sad excuse of a class, we were taught nothing and just told to make things, like leaflets and pamphlets with the programs on the computer.
One of the assignments we were making a poster, or something like that, using preset shapes and designs (basically webding and wingding font)… I made this little temple with Zodiac signs on it, and I remember that my teacher sat down next to me and talked real hushed. She thought it was best that I remove the ‘Satanic’ symbols from the work. I explained to her what they were and they were not Satanic, and that if someone has the right to use a cross in their imagery, then I should be allow to use what I’d wish. She tried to refute that others will assume it was Satanic, so I best take it off. I refused. I received an F.
It was a waste of a semester.

I’m still drawing, just nothing serious. I rarely have the patience or the passion. My weapon is words, and I find it does more for my soul to write than to draw… Besides, I think I still hinge on negative thoughts towards my work, so much so that I lost the thrill and pleasure of drawing. This is a shame… I used to be good, even if I thought it was bad compared to others… it was still good.