Day 30: I am a rambling mess

I am not sure what I want to put for this last memory. I know I had a list somewhere, or more than one but i honestly haven't really followed much of the list.
I have always been a little on my own. The last ten or so years I have been following my own path a little. I didn't go straight into college, where I did parttime the first semester, but even then when I got to college I did summer classes, so finished in about three years instead of the normal four. (Actually now I think it is close to five for a normal bachelor, if you don't take summer classes)
Instead going straight into grad school, I moved back home for a bit, for what I thought was going to be a semester or two, but it has turned into almost six years.
I don't work a normal job, but I guess there are a lot more people with customer service job than need be.
I remember two years ago dreaming for a cubicle job. I honestly was thinking more like office space, and less where I would actually have to deal with people. i would still kill for a cubicle job where I can stay in my cubicle all day and not deal with other people.
I am both a people's person and a loner. I think I am sort of schizo. Random is my favorite thing.
Speaking of, I did have a point here... I am not sure what it was going to be. I wanted to have a very meaningful post for the last day. My brain isn't working in meaningful ways.
So, I guess I will end the month by saying, I remember always wanting to be somewhere else. I remember a whole list of jobs I wish I had. Right now, I dream of building ray guns and opening a book/music/ray gun shop. I am not sure if I will or not.
I need to remember once I start something to actually finish it. Maybe I will start something and finish it like planned and not get sidetracked...even during this month when I was remembering various things, I didn't finish all the memories I intended to write out. Maybe I will at some other time. I am just not going to worry about every day writing a memory, but maybe I should try to write something every day.
Anyway, thanks for reading my rambles this month.

Abi: Change. [30/30]

There are so many people and events worth remembering in my life that I would love to post about. Everyone I met had reason to me, and inspired me in one way or another… but today, to end this challenge (well, to end it in the terms of this, but never in the reality of remembering myself) I thought I would focus a little on the core of the change into my adult life: John.

The day I met him was the day my life started to move in an entirely new direction, one I never had foreseen.

The day I first met him was in my apartment. My current boyfriend, Paul, was over at the time. Paul and I were okay, but the relationship wasn’t quite right… we were okay when we were alone, but when there were other people I was forgot. I know I am usually timid, and I tend to be very soft spoken in groups, but it’s like he literally forgot I existed… so things were already shredding on that line, though it wasn’t until I met John that it was clear I couldn’t love Paul…
Amariah had brought John over. He was a co-worker, and they had become fast friends (with John, that’s easy, he’s an outgoing person who will talk to anyone). Paul, of course, was completely engaged with talking to everyone but me, so I remember sitting in the area between my desk and book shelf and chewing on the antenna of Invader Zim plushie and pretty much just listening to the conversations. I think Paul was playing something on my Playstation, I believe it was Castlevania. He was showing it off to John… Amariah I think had seen it before, and maybe even played it before.

I remember John had longer hair, reminding me of someone from an 80’s band like Foreigner or something… He had a very familiar face, as well… and an air of confidence.
I know that in the course of the night he tried to tell me I should never go to Ireland, because of my accent… It never made much sense to me why he said it, still doesn’t. I know I had an accent that people asked about, something slightly British I guess…

I recall after John and Amariah left, Paul and I were taking a walk around the apartment complex in the dark, which was a very common event for us. I asked Paul if he thought John hated me, because his comment made me very hurt for whatever reason… okay, the real reason was I wanted ever so much to be liked my John. I honestly, truly, wanted him in my life… It was, I think, love at first sight…

That night the seeds of change were planted.

Congratulations friends!

I just want to say congratulations to everyone who participated in this challenge whether you managed to do it every day,  or even once or twice.

Remembering yourself is a grand pursuit. Continuing this challenge with yourself is simple. Whenever you remember something of yourself, record it. Write it into a blog. Make a note to yourself on your computer. Anything. Just don't forget who you are and who you have been.

I welcome anyone to continue writing here if they desire. I'm honored that you've all taken part in this challenge, even tho I had to give it up due to my shoulder injury.

Today, I'm remembering being a child... playing with the little kitchen set with the plastic foods. I'm remembering this because my daughter has a kitchen set with plastic foods we just moved into her room from her grandmother's house today. And I see the little things she brings me to "eat" and I remember the ones I took to my grandpa when I was little. We had a Pizza Hut playset that had a pizza with a pan and a pizza cutter. I wish I had that still to give to her. It's the one thing that stands out in memory in the mess of dishes and foods we had...

The kitchen set I had then had a little tank you could put in the back and then you could use the water dispenser on the front of the fridge door to actually get a cup of water. Why don't the modern equivalents have something so simple but neat to a kid? I remember wanting to put kool-aid in it but not being allowed because it'd be "a mess". Man, if my kid's kitchen set did that... I'd let her put Kool-aid in it and we'd just run the tank through the wash afterwards. Heh.

Anyway... I'm still remembering. Always will be.
Congratulations for joining me, and out-doing me for a month! :)

Forever, your Self is all you have. Don't forget it.

Abi: I don’t have to be myself! [29/30]

I wasn’t sure if I’d  talk about roleplay, but I think it was a big part of my life when I was younger… and were it I lived nearer to friends I’d still be playing. (Excuse the weirdness of this post…)

I’d done several types of roleplay when I was a teen. I think my first attempts for online. I played with my friend Leslie, a Star Trek one, with my characters Avalonna Archer and another, whose name suddenly alludes me though I remember his persona so well.
I remember it was a frustrating thing, through a Yahoo! group emailing thing or something, I don’t remember too well the system... I can’t remember if I agreed she was going to be a child of a one of the Q and a part of a story line, of if she was half betazoid (spelling). Whatever she was, she acted very much like a Vulcan, nearly emotionless… she did have a singer’s background, but she lacked passion, it was all about the science.
Well, I remember someone had been moving forward a scene and had my character smile and nod that them. I was so livid. Why would my character do this, even such a simple thing, WHY would you touch my character to begin with?! I know it seems so petty… but to me it was serious.
It made me HATE that form of roleplaying…

Another one I am sort of ashamed to admit I was a part of was an Invisible Man roleplay. I was playing Bobby Hobbes in two different ones I believe, and end up having to take a hiatus, so someone took over my character. Well, suddenly he became suicidal and in love with someone… which struck me as very bizarre… so now I totally hated roleplaying online.

I think, briefly, I played in a Jekyll & Hyde online game… but it never went anywhere, for my character.

Then Dana had talked to me about playing Vampire with her, Joe, Nora, and there was someone else who played like two or so games… We were playing Sabbath, and I still remember my first character very well (he never leaves me alone, really) . His name was Jajarick, though I ended up playing his other personality, Lancer, far more often. Jajarick was a Pander (meaning without a clan), but Lancer was a Malkie… it’s hard to explain, but basically, his sire had used Dementation on him and he’d gone insane for awhile (like a year, I think that was the results of the roll), which caused him quite a few personality disorders… and Lancer, this new spilt, from his new issue, had been the one brought across as a vampire… Later on, when the Dementation wore off, Jajarick became ‘aware’ again, properly, and found himself to be, what he had feared in the little spaces between, a vampire. He knew nothing about this thing that had happened to him, it was some strange curse, that seemed to happen shortly after the black outs (Lancer coming about)… But, I’ll not write his whole story out here, this wasn’t where I was going with this…
This game, while I was entirely nervous to start with, turned into one of my favourite memories from that time of my life.  I remember I started to model Jajarick’s personality off of Vampire Hunter D, and his appearance a little the same, but also this awesome image of Erik (Magneto) from a 1996 X-Men comic… long silver coloured hair. Then I took him into life, and well, tormented him… but not before drawing out a very in-depth timeline of his life prior to the game… it was fun… it was weird… I think I still have some of the roleplay info and images I collected (most from anime’s) that I used for my character creation… I might have to look later, just to be amused.

Then I moved on a little, I ended up storytelling a bit, and fell in love… I loved having others send my characters into unknown things, but I also loved populating a whole city and curving a story around other people’s characters. I love character creation. I love building people into life, giving them flaws and making them seem real… I have this incredible dislike of those characters that are so unique and rare, that have no real flaws, and seem to know more than they should… I really get irked by how some people play. I think I approach it all differently. I was about the psychological game, not the battling and levelling my characters up…

I remember my main character for my Huntington campaign was Julianno, another Malkie (but in a different direction)… I remember he had a whole back story as well. He ended up being married into the mob, and subsequently killed off in it as well. I don’t remember if he was sired by them, or by someone who witnessed the event. I want to say it was his new brother-in-law who spared him, but I’m thinking it HAD to be a female because of later issues he developed (damn Malkies)… only problem was he had to leave behind his wife and unborn child, or else the his new father-in-law might hear about him and that he wasn’t as dead as he ought to be. He was an interesting character. I know he didn’t want to be made a vampire, and he developed some serious (SERIOUS) issues with this that turned outward in how he’d treat his victims because of how he felt violated to be living that life (not G-rated, not even R-rated, so I will not write about it here… I never really got into that completely, sadly, with anyone, because people just DON’T want to know what Julianno had the urges to do to calm himself)…. I think he also had a issue with blood, I think it had to be a certain temperature to carry nutrients to him. Oh my GAWD, I need to find his character sheet (which I think was lost in the apartment in Florida, damnit, but maybe just maybe I have a digital version somewhere), I’m forgetting about his details! I remember his personality, these things I never forget… but those little things, the dots on the sheets, those flaws and merits, his ability levels: they’re drifting from my thoughts.
I do remember that he made his grandson into a Ghoul…

Any ways… enough of my silly characters…

I ended up becoming addicted to a game with Dana over the phone. It started off innocently, and then… it became something very obsessive. It was what I lived for, we’d start talking at night and come sunrise we’d still be talking… The phone bill at one point was some $600 or more, I think… it was INSANE… Seriously, it was an addiction, it effected my life in a BIG way. Nothing else mattered for awhile, just this epic story we were telling together…

After that it died. I tried a few online things from time to time, and I think I started a Wraith game with Amariah that didn’t go very far… (Gideon was his name… I have FAR too many male characters… actually, I think all player characters were male. o.O)

I think I ought to give it another shot sometime.

Day 29: Book fairs

I know there were things I said I may go back and discuss, and maybe I will tomorrow. Today we are actually going to talk about something random I remembered today.

I think I remember telling you that in at least 4th grade I started getting books in the adult section at the library, where this memory is sort of related to this.

I remember in elementary school... maybe middle school, I don't remember when they stopped having them for us, ... But either way one of the highlights of my year was always when the book fair was at school. I think sometimes they had them twice a year, but I could be wrong.

They would always change this section of the library into this lovely little store where there were delightful things to look at and books with big shiny spines. I don't think every year we could buy things from the book fair, but it was always a delight when we did.

I remember when they had the book fair I would try to visit the room they were having more than one day. It was just such a delightful little place. At one of the schools, I think in Arcadia, they had the book fair in what used to be this study room.

So, this one quiet room was filled with all kinds of treasures. I remember being mesmerized by the bookmarks, a lot of them had nice little charms on the end. They were a lot better than the usual standard paper ones you normally see. They were also a lot better than the little pieces of paper I sometimes ripped up to mark the places in my book.

I have always been fascinated by bookmarks... though honestly I mainly still use little scraps of paper, and library return cards to mark my place though I have a few. Anyway, on this one particular book fair, I know I wasn't going to have money to the last day of the book fair.

I had gone in a couple times before. Finally it was the day I had money. I was excited because they had a few adult books there for the parents that came in.

I remember scanning the titles, and feeling happy just holding the new unopened books in my hands. My eyes fell on this one title, "Interview with a vampire." i had just enough money to buy it and one of the cheaper book marks.

I remember feeling a little guilty as I strolled up to the counter. The worker didn't say anything just rang up the purchases, and put them in a little bag for me.

I remember finishing the book almost instantly. I have read it several times since then. It was such a thrilling book.

I don't remember how long it took me to read it, but I remember instantly falling in love with the characters. I think I even had a crush on Louis...which I know is probably a little weird, but it isn't like it will be the first and last time that I fall in love with a fictional character.

In high school, my friend had the other Vampire Chronicles and she let me borrow the Vampire Lestat... I may have borrowed Queen of the Damned as well I am not sure... I was disappointed though, it didn't hold the magic as the first one... Plus I had read many things since the first time I read Interview with a Vampire. It is sad to say with how much I love vampires, I am not sure I am a big Vampire Chronicles fan. I did reread Interview since then, and I like that one... The Vampire Lestat was very rambly, and she would tell stories inside stories

That isn't what I was talking about anyway. I really miss the book fairs. They were such special places. I still get that delightful feeling when I enter a bookstore, but sadly I don't get to go as much as I like (Actually the bookstore near my house closed, and I didn't get to go one last time before they closed, due to lack of funds)

I am not sure if schools still have bookfairs. I honestly hope they do. I know most of ours were done by this company called Scholastic, which I know is still in business, but whoever does them I hope they still do so children can experience what a delightful place they were.

day 28: The races

Today's memory is about gambling.When I lived in Indiana one of my friends would take me to the House track. It was about 30 minutes away.
It was called Hoosier park.
I was a lovely place. I remember pulling up to the parking lot, and being in awe of the lovely building. I never got to see the Horses run live there, but maybe someday at some park i will.
The first time I went I didn't know anything about Gambling. Frank, my friend, always carried a small notebook with him. One of the small spiral ones. Or at least he made sure to always had one when we went to the track.
I remember the first time we went, we sat in the one of the little booths with a tv. He made me a little diagram of what each bet meant. He started with the win bet.
That is one of the easiest bets, and is actually just like it sounds. You are betting who will win.
I also got confused with the show and place for a while. But eventually I picked it up. Place is for second, so if the horse comes in first you also win, but the percentage is smaller. If it comes in third you lose, or after obviously. Show is for third, so if the horse comes in first or second you also win.
There are other bet trifecta (picking the first three) and exacta (picking the first two) and Superfecta (picking the first four) You can do these straight, so an exacta straight 1-2, has to come 1 first, and 2 second or you can box them, which means either way as long as they come in first or second. There are some other bets, but we didn't go over them, and they really aren't important at the moment. (I think I learned later what a Quinella is when I worked the dog track, since most horse tracks don't use that. It is basically it is an exacta box bet with a different name.)
I am not sure if we bet on the first race. I think we spent a few minutes flipping back in forth between the channels. I know the first few bets I made, i wasn't really betting on the odds.
I can still only slightly read the odds of the horses/dogs. I bet on names.
I remember one of the largest bets I made was for one called Chubby Bunny, which I bet 5 across the board for the race. (Across the board is essentially A win bet, a place bet, and a show bet on the same ticket)
He didn't win, he came in fourth. I think I went to the teller for that one.
One most of the bets we were making, we were using the self service machines. When I wasn't betting, I went up with him and he exsplained to me what he was doing when he was placing his bets.
I don't think the first time Frank bought a book. I think we found one for one of the tracks. So, for a while we were connectrating a lot of the bets on that track. Most horse tracks have 30 minutes between each race, so though we may have been betting exclusively on one track, we were always watching some of the other races going off.
I don't remember actually seeing live racing till later. It wasn't actually horses. it was actually the dogs when I worked the track. I think I was hired right as the season was going off, before they changed the season. I may be wrong though.
I always liked working the twilight races down by the track. It is called the glass, since it is basically against the glass covering the grand stands. The twilight races were always a bit slower so I didn't have to worry about people bothering me.
It is fun to watch the dogs run. luckilY i don't remember sitting down there where any of the dogs got seriously hurt, A couple times the dogs hit the wall, but like i said no major injuries. I think once one of the doggies hurt his leg, but he was about to be done racing, and actually got adopted out shortly after that.
I do remember more than one race where a random dog would get distracted. I know one this dog saw a butterfly and started chasing after it. I think all the dogs that race at the dog track are just out of puppyhood or still puppies, so they can easily get distracted.
Not every race but occasional times, they would walk through the dogs that were up for adoption. A couple times on they dressed the dogs up. I think one Kentucky Derby they had fancy hats when they walked through.
I never worked with the dogs just took the bets, but they were always cute, and it was nice when I would get to pet one. I would probably get a greyhound but I definitely don't have enough space for one.
I haven't been back to the dog track since I quit. But I might go to a horse track or a dog track if anyone invited me, just not the one I used to work, a nicer one.

Abi: Can’t stop the hand. [28/30]

Drawing and I have a love/hate relationship. I remember when it came to school, I always received praise and awards for my drawings. I was always in the top of the class for artistic thing, up until High School when different art classes were more accessible and my inspiration became diminished.
I kind of grew into the artist thing, when I was younger. It was, and still is, said to be one of my strong suits… though I might have agreed when I was younger, I don’t feel the same when I can look at all the amazing things other people have done. My art always seems to pale in comparison.

I remember Science class was always my favourite for drawing in. I want to say it was 6th grade where I always had my picture posted for all to see in the hallways. I took pride in it, even though I never felt it was as special made it out to be. I liked to draw then, it was my main emotional outlet until I became a teen and got into poetry and writing (when then stole the passion, I think).

I do remember in one of my History classes we were to draw and colour with crayon a picture, and I worked hard on my picture after school, as well as in class, until I had a lovely image in bold colours. I want to say it was an image of a Bayou, or it was a weeping willow over a lake of some sort. It was solid crayon, though, from top to bottom, but so beautiful. My teacher loved it greatly, and took it, with her favourites for display, to be laminated. I remember my horror to see the heat had melted the colours into each other! I also remember the mockery from the cruel whispering students, talking about how cheap my crayons must have been.
Sudden my beautiful art was a monster and was mocked, and I never forgot that… It hurt. I was little, and my art was all I felt I had to offer, and here it was being destroyed and then, on top of that, ridiculed. I had met critics, and it would never be the same.

I took a pseudo-graphics design class in High School. I remember the teacher wasn’t very knowledgeable, especially on computers, and was learning with us. It was a sad excuse of a class, we were taught nothing and just told to make things, like leaflets and pamphlets with the programs on the computer.
One of the assignments we were making a poster, or something like that, using preset shapes and designs (basically webding and wingding font)… I made this little temple with Zodiac signs on it, and I remember that my teacher sat down next to me and talked real hushed. She thought it was best that I remove the ‘Satanic’ symbols from the work. I explained to her what they were and they were not Satanic, and that if someone has the right to use a cross in their imagery, then I should be allow to use what I’d wish. She tried to refute that others will assume it was Satanic, so I best take it off. I refused. I received an F.
It was a waste of a semester.

I’m still drawing, just nothing serious. I rarely have the patience or the passion. My weapon is words, and I find it does more for my soul to write than to draw… Besides, I think I still hinge on negative thoughts towards my work, so much so that I lost the thrill and pleasure of drawing. This is a shame… I used to be good, even if I thought it was bad compared to others… it was still good.

Day 27: My grandfather

I should really try to write longer memories, but we will see how this one goes. Life has been busy lately, and I haven't really had chance till my last break to write anything out. I will try to do better in the next few days.

I remember going down to my grandfather's garage when they lived at their old house.

He had a trainset there. I rememeber for awhile he had it set up, and we were allowed to watch it go around the track. I think everything on the set was decorated for Christmas because I remember fake snow among the tiny trees.

I also remember he used to collect National Geographics, and he had stacks and stacks of them lined up. I think sometimes i would pick up and issue, and scan through it. But mostly I just remember the yellow spines lined on top of each other.

I know after they moved we inheirted some. I think Nana said it was the whole collection, but it seemed when I was little there were so many more of them.

I can picture them stacked to the ceiling but I doubt that is where they were stacked too. I am not sure if we still have them. i know I still have at least one of the maps, it is pinned on my wall.

I remember there were a lot of things stored in the garage. I remember things stored even in the ceiling rafters. I want to say I think there was a canoe and paddles up there as long with some other things.

I remember he used to have these lance cracker jars. It seemed when we were little they were always filled, and we were allowed to take crackers when we came to visit. I think he also had a cooler where he would keep sodas, and that sometimes we were allowed sodas.

I remember going to visit my grandfather. I don't remember talking much to him, even later in life I wasn't sure what to say to him. i always felt a sort of awe for him, and wasn't sure what to talk to him about. I think I missed a lot by not talking to him as much as I could.

My grandfather was very smart, and knew a lot of things.

I remember sitting in one of the chairs next to the stack of National Geographics, and my dad would talk to my grandfather. I couldn't sit still in the chair, and was told to stop rocking. it wasn't a rocking chair, I was sitting up in the chair rocking slightly. I don't think I ever really learned to sit perfectly still, but for the most part it isn't as noticable as it used to be.

I am sure there is more to write, but I have to go back to work

Abi:Feeling kind of funny… feeling kind of sad.[27/30]

I’m unmotivated and kind of (due to selfish issues) rushed today, so I figured that I would just do the obvious topic today of: birthdays.

I really I think I missed out on the whole hoopla (yes, I used that word) of birthdays. When my first daughter was on the verge of turning one I got a shocked treatment from my future mum-in-law because I hadn’t planned on throwing her a party. Apparently I am robbing the one-year old of some amazing thing that no child should be without (oh, really? I’ll get to that in a moment).
So my mum-in-law insisted we come down, and do a little party at her house. It’s not like there is a whole load of people to invite, and I didn’t know but one other mum, and she didn’t even have custody of her children at the time… so who would I invite? It would just be family.. but for a one year old’s party? Who will not remember a damned thing about it… and who will only be interested in the cake, balloons, and wrapping paper and care less about anything else…
I guess the idea is completely lost on me…
Mind you now that my oldest is getting, well, older, I am very interested in making her birthday special, but parties are still a little weird for me.

I only ever remember having one birthday party, and it was when we lived in Satellite Beach (or I think it was there)… I want to say it was my 2nd birthday, but it’s hard to think I can recall something that old, so I will not say for sure… and as far as I know it might not have been MY birthday party… this is, however, the only thing I can recall for this topic. I have this insistence urge to say my Uncle Scott gave us tickets to the circus for my birthday, but I really don’t know for sure.

Chances are I could have had a party at some point… I think I ended up at Disney for my birthday once, and had breakfast with Snow White, the others, and maybe Mickey was there (who I think I disliked greatly), but I only recall this as being retold to me and cannot remember actually being there. (I think Amanda mentioned a picture of this day in an earlier post, actually).

The thing in our house was when your birthday came around, you picked the dinner… though that didn’t always mean you’d get it. That’s what I remember for a birthday tradition.

I remember once that my sister, I think for her 16th birthday, ended up having a party in the local park (to which I was NOT invited to, as crushed as I was). I remember she came home with a load of gifts and had enjoyed herself…
I remember being SO incredibly jealous, because I didn’t get a birthday party or loads of gifts that year, or the year before, or the year before that (and so forth). I think she’d planned it, and convinced mum (and maybe dad, I can’t recall if this was before or after he passed) to go along with it… but I still felt cheated… Mostly because I always felt that if I tried to initiate something that I would get shot down, and I just gave up trying to force people into doing things I wanted… because if they didn’t want to do something for me I didn’t want to demand it of them.
It was just one more thing to add to the ever growing list of why I always felt my sister was the favourited of us.

This year I erased my birthday from Facebook, and hid it on Livejournal, because I’m sick of it all. I see all these people having parties (and baby showers, that’s a sore spot, too), and I’ve not gotten to truly experience these things before.
This day is usually a bitter day… I end up at home ALONE (John’s working, again, I think this is the 4th year in a row… or more), no social interactions, usually cleaning (well, I clean daily, so that’s not a valid thing to point out)…  I don’t even get cake (even when I insist I should, but it just never works out in my regard, last two year it was budget issues). I rarely get presents, maybe one a year (this year it was Arsh, with an EPIC pony she drew of me with the cutest little cutie mark ever!)… and I get cards only from my mum and  sister, and my Nana…

I’m always left wondering, what’s so damned special about today? I’m just getting older… and not many people seem interested in anything more than saying Happy Birthday to me on some piffling social network, which seems more out of tradition than heart-felt by some of these people (which I could be wrong, but if you only speak to me a few times a year, and one of those is to say Happy Birthday, then you’ve not convinced me otherwise yet).
Why should I even recognise this day as anything other than another day, let alone insist other people recognise it by showering me with blessings, love, gifts or whatever (that they would be unwilling to do any other time of the year, save for maybe Christmastime)?
Really? What is the point of even using this day for anything more than legal mumbo-jumbo?

On a better, more positive note: A HUGE thank you to Arsh and the super lovely pony art! How tempted I am to have that cutie mark tattooed on me! It’s just so fantabulous! Thank you.

Day 26

Today you are getting a quick memory


The fall air always reminds me of walking downtown muncie. It was always a wonderful place to spend walking on my lunch break at the internship.

My favorite place to go for Fall was Concannon's bakery. They made pumpkin bread. I don't remember ever eating pumpkin bread until I went there. Or maybe someone had given me a slice and I decided to try it.

It was delicious. I remember buying one of the small loafs, and almost eating it all the day when I get home.

The bakery was a wonderful place. It wasn't that far from the government building, and it was such a wonderful place to get in.

It seemed you could smell the bakery as you started walking down the street. They made all kinds of interesting things there. I know i bought frozen cheesecake there once, and they dipped pretzels in chocolate. I also think they made candy at the store. it was a lot bigger than you may think.

I think it is actually about the size of my living room. There was a candy counter, and a baked good counter. Most of the store was covered with interesting things to look at. The displays were always so nice and organized, and they always had delightful window displays... maybe nothing as impressive as Macy's or a bigger store, but something that looked like a display, and also lovingly inviting.

Anyway, I have to go back to work, and I am hungry again. I think I am going to try to find a recipe and make my own pumpkin bread.

Abi: Soft Grass [26/30]

Arcadia was a weird place in general. The biggest talk I remember in school was about the rodeo. The whole place was a bit old fashion (well, for Florida), and it had a very southern cowboy style to it.
One of the strangest fieldtrips I ever had while there was to the water treatment plant that sat behind the health department. It was… interesting disgusting. I don’t remember too much of the point, besides I guess we learned the cycle of how the water was brought in and treated… all I took from it, though, was my dislike of it… I remember there was talk about the sheer amount of corn you can find in the… liquid… and then us having to walk across one of the large containers filled with the waste…
Not something I would want to do again unless I will be pocketing a large sum of money at the end of it all.
Another field trip we had in Arcadia we ended up at a graveyard (in what I remember to be the middle of nowhere). This was the first time I ever remember the idea of walking around and in between the graves was expressed to be acceptable way to walk in a graveyard. They told us we needed to respect these people here, and not to walk, or play about, on their graves. I remember that kind of stuck with me.
I remember loving the trip out there. I know we stopped at a large above ground tomb and they told us some folklore about the person buried there.
On the same trip, while in the bus, I remember we had driven by a really old two story building and that we were being told about it, and something about soap made from human fat.
A very interesting trip indeed…
Another fieldtrip we took in Arcadia, was to the Outdoor Classroom, which I recall going to a few times.
I still remember decently in my head the picnic area, the trailer where we had a sit down class, and then the area with the cougars and the foxes.
It was a pretty damn awesome place, like a mini-zoo/state park area where we’d go through and hear about all the animals there and be among nature… I liked everything about it save for the sunlight part.
I remember in Elementary, 5th grade Mr. Phillip’s class, we had a fieldtrip downtown to watch the parade (for Veteran's Day, I think) and we had to actually walk there… which apparently we were not the only class doing so. It was a very tedious and boring trip.
I need a fieldtrip.

Day 25: vacation

We are going to call this day 25 since I had started this earlier. I got distracted. I was finishing season 2 of True blood.

I will try to do Day 26 before I go to work but we will see how things go.

So when my mum and dad worked at the hotel in Melbourne, they were allowed so many vacation days. They could also get discounts at hotels owned by the same company. Or maybe they could get free days, I don't remember exactly.

I remember taking two trips with them, the last year like was mentioned before we let my mum and dad go off by themselves. The first trip we took we drove up to North Carolina. We were going to spend a couple days in Raleigh, and then for a few days we were going to a small town where it was supposed to snow so we could see it, since me and Elizabeth never have.

I remember going to the Raleigh Art Museum. It was a lot of fun. I know they had a glass elevator, and it made me nervous, because even though it only had two floors to go up, it felt weird seeing the outside as we went up. I was nervous about falling outside.

(I have a weird fear of heights and I have for sometime.)

I don't remember the layout much of the museum, since as I think about it, I get it confused with two other museums I have gone to. One in tampa which was a historical museum, and another museum. I am a big fan of museums, and whatever museum I have gone to, I always am awed by the loveliness of them.

It intrigues me to see what things people collect in museums.

I don't remember much else about Raleigh, I think there was another museum me and my dad were going to go to but it was closed down. My mum and my sister had gone to see a movie or go shopping or something, since they didn't want to go to the movie.

I remember driving around with my dad for awhile since we didn't have anything else to do for a few hours.

I know when we went to the other city, which i remember starting with a c, we missed the snow. It snowed the next week or something.

The next year we went to Sanibel Island, which is a few hours from us. One day we went to see the Edison/Ford Summer homes. Apparently Henry Ford and Thomas Edison were friends (though later they drifted) and they would summer together.

The Edison house was okay. I remember not being very interested in it. I really wanted to see the Ford house. I am not good with cars, but I love the older cars. They are pretty to look at.

I think this was about the time I wanted to get a '49 Mercury. The british version, just to mess with people if they asked to drive. I am not even sure if there is a british version. But I had seen the car in Rebel without a cause and fell in love with it. ( i had started a random obsession with James Dean sometime in High school, and I think it was right around that time.)

So, I didn't care too much for Edison's little workshop where he had a little cot. I also didn't care much about the rubber tree he had. I was more interested in seeing Henry Ford's garage. There are some beautiful cars at the museum.

The ford house was against this river, and had a lovely dock. It seemed like any direction you looked from the side yard you can see the river. It may have been the ocean, since I remember there being a bridge across part of it. But I am not sure, since here we have similar bridges over rivers. One of those long bridges that holds 2 lanes or more of traffic on each side.

Actually both properties are actually lovely, and i think I still have some postcards from both somewhere. I may try to go back someday...

Sorry if this memory is a bit short. I don't want to taint the memory by going online and looking at the propery.

Abi: School Lunches[25/30]

I’ve been enjoying a three day weekend with John, so today’s topic is going to be something not too time invoking or serious.

I remember when I was in elementary school the lunches they had were pretty damn awesome. There was a salad bar and a hot food lane, and on Fridays there was pizza or tacos to choice from.
I remember my all-time favourite thing was the rolls. I love those damn things! I still do, and I have tried so hard to find rolls similar to them for purchase, because… well, I droll just thinking of that buttery doughy goodness.
Ah, now I’m hungry for one!
(I also remember that lunch room was where we put on school plays on the little stage there, and where the PTA meetings were held… It was Memorial Elementary… I’m trying to remember Eastside, but I can’t right now.)

I remember in Junior High that I didn’t eat from the cafeteria even once. I honestly think, in retrospect, it was because of my anxiety of such things. I can’t explain it really, I just felt extremely uncomfortable to have to walk up there and navigate some unknown rules of how the lunch line worked… I had issues.
Same ended up happening in High School. I’d sit in the lunchroom, and sometimes I’d bring something, but I would never go through the lunch line… even for those yummy rolls.
I missed out on a lot in those years from my serious anxiety issues.

I’m remembering now the group I sat with in High School, with Dana, the Brians, and Joe (sometimes)… I think there were others, but I honestly can remember right now. Strange… For sometime, while Dana was dating Dan (I remember him and his ENDLESS old school Doctor Who (well, that was the only Doctor Who then) quoting… and that he was my 6th grade biology’s teacher’s son), he’d sit with us. I remember them holding hands sometimes and how very bothered I was, but still on the edge of giggling as well… Like I mentioned before, I was a late bloomer… Oh, shit, I never got over some of that, no lie: Lovey-dovey scenes still kind of make me uncomfortable! I’m not a fan of public displays of affection, never have been… I think it’s obvious that I’m no romantic type.

At some point, I think when the two of my friends were graduated the year before (Amariah and Donna) and my other friends had a different lunch period, I ended up sitting with my sister and her group of friends outside. It was an odd time, and none of them were truly my friends, not even my sister at the time. I was going through some rough things at the time, any ways, and so it all made for some bad experience that year… Well, I had just lost my dad, was having severe panic attacks, and was out of school more than in… I have no good memories from that time, really.

You know, I think tomorrow I might talk about some of the varied and interesting field trips I had back in school.

Abi: The Preacher. [24/30]

One of the nicest people I ever knew was my Papa. He was a preacher for a Baptist church, and even though I protested his religion he never spoke ill of me of forced anything on me. I know he’d would mention I should attend church more, but it was more like: “we miss you there.” Nana would be the once to kind of be insistent on the topic and using the idea of God wanting me there.
Or at least this is how I recall it.

My Papa was a soft spoken man, which is amusing given that Nana was the polar opposite and seemed to run the working of the family (well, from my view it seemed so).

What I always respected about him was he never seemed to dwell on the idea of damnation as much as he would dwell on the idea of salvation. It was not preaching of fire of brimstone, it was always the lessons available through the Bible (or the Word Of God).

I never heard my Papa yell. I never heard him angry. I think Nana did enough of that for them both.

Right after my first daughter was born I remember staying at their house for a few days with Zozo. One day, while the little one was napping, he was discussing how the reality of the End of Days that wasn’t seen when he was younger… I remember very little of it, honestly, because I’ve never invested so much in that religion, but I remember he pointed out some very interesting things that made the Bible painted future seem very plausible with our current times and technology. (I’m sure if I took the time to look into it I’d remember it more.)

What I cherished about growing up was Christmas at Nana and Papa’s. He used to read ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas for years on end, before any gifts were passed out. I remember that if someone made a noise, he’d start again at the beginning… which meant insanity among my uncles. My uncles by themselves are pains, but get them all in one room: be scared.

I think, in retrospect, of all the supposed Christians I have know, my Papa was the one who truly seemed touch by his God. I seriously never recall too much of a negative outlook. I know he had aged, near the end, and his body was nothing like it used to be, but he didn’t seem to complain much… actually I don’t ever recall him complaining at all.

I remember how he’d speak to John, how he was so friendly with him, and how John always loved to talk to him. They would talk about cars, or John would talk about work… It was nice that John had someone within the family to talk to, like they did.

My Papa used to me a car mechanic, and he owned his own little shop down the hill from their house in Rockledge before they moved (where they had lived, I think they had said, some 42 years or something). I want to say the shop had originally been his dad’s, but I don’t recall anymore.

I remember the garage. It had a very distinct smell to it. I remember back in the day, when the garage was opened, that he’d be sitting at his desk most of the day.

Someday I wished I got more time to talk to him, because I know so little about him, and what little I do are things I didn’t learn from him but from my mum or Nana.

Day 23 and 24 : Disney world

(As you can see I am combining days 23 and 24 , i started this yesterday, and expanded it today as I was posting.)

Writing this on my nook. I am not sure if it will be posted on the 23rd day or not. I sadly really don't care.

I am sitting in a hospital room waiting for my nana to go into surgery. It is very quiet in here. My nana is sleeping, and my mum is doing crossword puzzles.

Not sure why i am writing that as it has nothing to do with today's memory since i wanted to try to keep things light. So my memory today is actually about disney world.

My dad used to work thete when we were children. He helped with construction on some of the hotels and then he worked as a dishwasher at one of the restaurants on pleasure island. ( which i think is now called downtown disney but i could be wrong)

The place he worked was called the buena vista yacht club. We would go in with him sometimes to get his paycheck. The bartender would make us cokes and put cherries in them to make cherry cokes. I remember watching them fizzle down to the bottom.

The interior seemed bright and sunny. The floor was a light wood color that always seemed freshly polished. Almost like the boat of a deck. The bar was a touch lighter all made of wood as well. I think the bar stools were leather i think. But most bar stools look similiar. I remember the logo had a life saver and rope incorporated into it somehow.

He seemed to always know a lot of people there and would talk to a lot of people, so we would be sitting by the bar for a long time.

Sometimes after he got his paycheck he'd take us to a restaurant nearby called fireworks. It had two levels. I always liked when we were get seated on the second floor. The waitress would sit us at a table, and we would get to eat from the kiddie menu, which then seemed like a large meal. I know they served things like hotdogs, and hamburgers.

We wouldn't go to Fireworks every time, just some time. I think they had out door seating as well, but I don't remember sitting there, I remember walking through the outside tables. The restaurant may still be there I am not sure.

I don't remember the drive taking long, though I am sure it was a bit of a drive, and I am sure me and my sister would fight a lot. She would get to sit in the front seat, and I would sit in the back seat.

I think my dad had a white oldsmobile at the time, or I could be confused, he has had a variety of different cars throughout the years.

Every christmas he worked we got to go to the christmas cast party. I think they did more than one each year so everyone could get a chance to bring their families. We would ride many of the rides and gets pictures taken with characters. Plus they had a place you could a family picture taken.

I think we still have some of the pictures. In one of them, me and Elizabeth had these hideous red christmas sweaters, and I think my mum was wearing a similiar one. I don't remember if my dad had one. it has been a couple years since I have glanced at the picture. I could go look for it, when this is posted, but I am not going to. That requires moving stuff and I am at heart very lazy.

I think I have a picture somewhere as where when me and my sister got our picture taken with Snow White. I remember being excited to meet her. I think at the time it never dawned on me that it wasn't really snow white.

I think sometimes at the christmas party, that sometimes instead of all four of us walking around that for short periods of time me and one parent would go one way, and the other parent and my sister would go the other way. But I do remember for most of the time there we were together. We would always try to catch the electric light parade if we could. It was always such a fun experience to watch all the floats decorated with lights go by. Characters also walked the parade, and they were dressed up for christmas. Mikey and Minnie always seemed to be dressed up as Mr. and Mrs. Claus. I think they were always on the last float, almost like the Macy's thanksgiving parade always has Santa as the very last float.

I know at the time I thought the sweater was really cool and tried to wear it when it wasn't christmas. It had a reindeer on it. Though now I look back and realize how tacky it was. But oh course I think when we are all little there is something we always think is awesome, but then we grow out of it.

My favorite ride used to mr. Toad's wild ride which is sadly not there anymore. It is now some Winnie the Pooh ride. But I remember going on it a lot. I think I asked to go multiple times.

I also remember that I liked the tea cups as well... Alice in Wonderland was one of my favorite Disney movies, though we didn't have on VHS I don't think. I know we did own the little Mermaid, and the Lion King, and would watch the movies constantly when we were little.

My mum said once she took me on Thunder Mountain and it was night, and I spent the whole ride giggling, and then I was giggling for about 30 mins afterwards. I think it is kind of funny, I am sure she is right, but it is weird how I thought roller coasters were hilarous, and now they scare me a bit. I think part of it, especially when I went to Universal a few years ago with my friend, I am worried about losing my glasses especially when they have all these signs about you can lose shoes, and sunglasses, etc.

When we were little, I am not sure if just at Disney or in other places, I remember getting these mickey mouse ice creams. The ears were chocolate ice cream, and his face were vanilla. I loved getting them, and they seemed like huge ice creams back in the day.

I went to Disney world on a class field trip once. I had one of those autograph books and remember getting a lot of characters signatures. I also remember my history teacher ended up sitting next to me. I didn't mind my history teacher sitting near me, I tried to get along with all my teacher, I just remember feeling claustophobic sitting next to him. I think if anyone had sat next to me I would have felt that way.

Once when I was visiting with for christmas, me and my friend went for the day. We mainly walked around epcot, but it was fun going through all the different represented countries. Also, we took a monorail to the Grand Floridian. That was one of the buildings my dad helped with. We went to see this huge gingerbread house that apparently they build in the lobby every christmas. It was gorgeous. The chefs who build it had incorporated little disney touches to the whole thing like stain glass windows with mickey mouse symbol.

I went to Disney World a few birthdays ago. I actually had fun most of the time, though the person I went with was constantly on her cell phone texting random boys. For the most part we got along. I remember we got stuck in the Haunted Mansion ride for about thirty minutes, because there was a slight snag in the ride. We lucked out more than the people in front of us, because they were at the point in the ride where the ride turns you around, so you go down a hill backwards. So we were still in an upright position.

I remember thinking it would be funny if one of the employees came around and scared people, since it was utterly dark. Though, no one did come around. That would have been funny though. But thought it is a haunted mansion, they treat it as friendly ghost and not a haunted house, and that would probably be crossing the line.

I remember for the most part always loving Disney whenever I have gone. It always seems like a fun place. There does seem to be a lot of people there sometimes, and I know some things are going to be more crowded. It still feels like a magical place whether you go there when you are 4 or 94, well hopefully i will feel that way. I would totally work in the Haunted mansion or somewhere in Disney if I had a way to get their everyday. Maybe one day I will be able to get there soon. We shall see.

I feel like I could write more, but I also don't want to make this too long so no one reads it... So, I will just end it for now

Abi: The egg timer. [23/30]

I remember today a friend I had in Arcadia, when I was in middle school.
I don’t have many full memories, so I will just kind of write out what I remember.
Her name was Isabel and she was a damn skinny thing for the amount of food she threw down her throat.
I remember she used to make ramen using an egg timer…
And that her mum’s spaghetti tasted like it has corn beef in it (and it was good).
I remember her dog walking around in a pad and underwear from time to time. o.O
She was completely in love with Jonathan Taylor Thomas and had everything she could get her hands on that had him in it, including foreign magazines.
I remember her room and her weird little day bed.
I remember I slept over once and we tired to do the Bloody Mary thing in her bathroom mirror but someone, I can’t recall who, got totally freaked out.
She lived a five minute walk from the school, and many mornings we were dropped off at her house a bit earlier in the morning so we could hang out and then walk to school with her.
I remember she’d moved to Arcadia from Winter Haven, and I thought it such a small world because I had lived there once as well.

Sadly this is all I remember about her from years of friendship.

Abi: Foxy Lady [22/30]

I wanted to remember some things today about my best friend from Haines City (who I have tried so much to find in the past few years online, but have failed to, I think she’s married off or changed her name). Her name was Christina and she lived across the main road from where we lived. She was older than me, but I don’t think by too much. She and I got along well, but we both tried very hard to avoid my sister, which wasn’t as easy as it seems being that my sister was my shadow.

I remember her house’s layout so well, and even the smell… Mostly the smell was from Norman (her dad) brushing his teeth ALL the time. It always smelled of toothpaste and cigarettes (he used to roll his own, the kind in the teal/blue bag with the black silhouette).
I remember Norman as well, he used to bathe a lot in the day (I think in the summer), and walk around with a towel about him. I don’t know if he wore shirts at all now that I think about it… He was a big man, too, so it was a load of gut walking about. It was really freaky, honestly, but whatever, I just wanted to hang with Christina… and after a few months of it, I just accepted it.

I remember we used to play with the little snap-n-pops and drive Amanda insane. We learned that if you turned off the lights and threw them on he kitchen floor that they would spark. It was just the coolest thing…

I remember the games of Hide-N-Seek Scare we played…. or I played. I was the one who succeeded in scaring everyone regardless of it I was the Hider or the Seeker. I loved that game, but I vaguely recall that Christina’s mum (Sherry?) didn’t approve of all the screaming going on.

I remember catching grasshoppers with Christina in her side yard when it got overgrown…

I remember her brother’s (Daniel) dog, I think his name was Bubba, and how he used to lick himself and I would totally get grossed out. I think he was a bit pull or something, I know jack about dogs, though.

I remember she had a cat Fifi who was one HUGE cat, especially after she got fixed. She was a grey and white thing, beautiful, but I recall she was more of an independent things and rarely bothered with us humans. I remember later she had a black cat named Reba.

When we moved from Haines City I pretty much lost contact with her. When we went back, to see family, sometimes I was allowed to go visit.
Once it was even arranged that I could spend a few days with her, which was a long time after we lost contact, so I spent the whole time learning about her new life, her new friends, and her new place.
We went fishing over at the little lake where she lived (I think it was a trailer park) and I remember something happened and one of us dropped the pole in the water… It couldn't be saved. We laughed over it, on a high of not sleeping in over 24 hours…
I remember when we were trying so hard to stay up later that day we were watching LA Confidential and I’d dose to be woken by gunshots, dose again to be woken again. It seemed like a huge span of time, but it was like a one minute clip.

I remember one of her friend’s was Nickel. I thought it a very different name…
And she two other close friends, a little goth girl and a very camp male friend.

I can remember she’d got kicked out of school because someone had turned in to the school one of the notebooks her friends and her were passing to each other with letters, doodles, and whatnot in it. Apparently a comment had been about blowing up the school (no action, just something written about), totally nothing more than normal teenager ramble upon friends. Still, she and her friends got expelled.

I remember Christina and I had started some little club thing at some point. It was some Killer’s club or something, I don’t remember too much. We did a weird newsletters for it.

I remember she gave me my first ever Marilyn Mason album.

I also remember once writing a HORRIBLE story with her, but it was so much fun… Apparently you can see hurricanes coming down a street, like it were a tornado or something… o.0

I really could go on all day about her, we spent several years together in Haines City.

I do miss her, I wonder how she is. The last I heard was YEARS ago, maybe even ten, and she was pregnant and living in Georgia (I think) with the father of her unborn baby.

Day 22: Best friends

I figured I would actually go back and visit something I talked about. I have not been one to use the term best friend for a long time. But I realize I sort of have two friends, right now, and sadly neither of them have been much in my life lately. Actually one is moving away soon so both of my best friends will be away from me soon.

It seemed before whenever I used that word with someone that something would happen. So, at some point in high school I stopped using that word, though since then a couple people had said I was their best friend, don't it didn't seem to last long... Yes, I am a good listener, and I try to give good advice, but if you aren't even going to bother to listen to me when something is going on, then I am not going to call you my best friend... Maybe close friend, or even then it depends... Sometimes just because you tell me a lot doesn't mean I trust you with a lot of things.

I think I am more of a loner than I want to admit sometimes.

When I was in elementary school, I had someone I called a best friend. Her name was Nicole. She was nice to my face, and then she started spreading vicious rumors about me when I wasn't... or actually when other people came up to her.

She was quite possible... I remember we were having an autumn fest one year, and she had said we would do all these things together, and when I found her at the autumn fest she basically blew me off and told me she didn't like me. There were a couple other girls around, and they weren't very nice.

In middle school and going into High school, I thought I had a best friend... suddenly over the summer she started hanging out more and more with another friend... which I was friends with all of them, but instead of having two good friends, it seemed that I was the odd person out when I would hang out with them, since there was so much stuff they did after school that I wasn't able to help with.

I am actually still friends with both of them. They aren't so buddy-buddy anymore, they had a bit of a falling out, and I don't think they realized how hurt I felt after I thought they were my best friends, and then I didn't seem to be.

I think part of my problem with using the word, is my depression sometimes makes it hard to judge relationships. Also, I have started to wonder if that word is used too much. I am a very friendly person, but that doesn't mean I am going to trust many people with a lot of things.

I am both a social being, but also a loner. A lot of things go through my head all the time, and some of them it is just hard to open up about. There are also topics I won't normally touch, like I am not very comfortable talking about my sexual life..(or lack there of).

Also, I know a lot of times my mind doesn't want to deal with things, so I obsess on things people may not agree with. Like I never usually find someone who loves a particular fandom as much as I do, or sadly I find a fandom far after most of the people have left it.

But I think if I were to use the term best friend, my sister would be one, and also my friend Roxy. No matter the distant I feel I could talk to them about anything. Yes, sometimes I still feel I have to censor myself around them on certain things, but I censor myself alot less than I do other people... Yes, I get in disagreements with both, but they both seem like family... Yes, my sister is family, but I think if I had a chance to pick my family she would still be there. If I could have i would have tried to spend as much time with her before she moved away... i have to try to do that now with Roxy before she leaves on the 17th.

Abi: Little Burglar [21/30]

Amanda wrote the other day about how I ended up having to break into our Nana’s house. It reminded me of how many windows I’d climbed into. I remember very clearly having to break into Christina’s house and our own (quite a few times), in addition to Nana’s house.
I really was some strange little girl, in retrospect… that I was the go-to person for climbing through windows.
I did earn the nickname Black Cat for awhile (which developed into Kittie later in life), mostly for my ability to sneak up on people and do things they think I ought not know how to (like pick locks, climb into houses).
Adding to that now a few unsavoury stories about me stealing things.

In Haines City, when I was about 10 or younger, I would steal things for no other reason than to steal them. I can’t explain it, because I didn’t need or want these things really, I think I just wanted to know I could get away with it.

We had a neighbour named Vanessa, she lived across the way from us and right behind Christina’s house. She was a mean, stuck up, little girl, who I rarely got along with, but played with nonetheless… I remember one day I stole from her a Nintendo video game. I don’t quite remember what it was, but I know I really didn’t care much for it… It was just something I wanted to do at the moment, and given the window, did so.
I remember how incredibly nervous I became, after having it stashed in my bag. I kept thinking that they’d notice, as much as I tried to pull from a pile of games out of view and mostly unplayed.
I remember we went out onto her front porch, I was tired of watching her play her dumb video games. She had a porch swing there and we sat for awhile talking about whatever 3rd or 4th graders talk about… She was probably carrying on about Bobbie-Jo, who lived down a little dirt road not but 100 feet from her house. She didn’t like Bobbie-Jo, she thought very little of her. Bobbie-Jo was very much what you could imagine her to be, based solely on her name: a poor white girl in a redneck type family… but I can say I enjoyed Bobbie-Jo a hell of a lot more than Vanessa.
Well, after finding a reasonable excuse to return home, I took my bounty and promptly buried it under the back of our house (a few feet from a washing machine, which I think was not working… because I thought our washer was in the little shed-like building to the side), where I left it for several months.

I even stole from my best friend of the time, Christina. It was a necklace, a golden coloured heart locket. I took it one day out of her little jewellery box she had sitting on a dresser by the far window (in her new room that she’d moved into after her brother Robert left… I remember it had BB pellet holes everywhere, ceiling included, and spray painted black-out windows… which was kind of cool to us little children, and a total step up from her having a bed in the corner by the second fridge (or stand-up freezer) in the dinning room/living room area).
When I got home I set the necklace aside somewhere safe in the closet until a few weeks later after she eventually found out it was missing and then as quickly forgot about. After it wasn’t brought up again I placed it back, right where I had taken it from… I had completed my mission, she never suspected me…

I also remember stealing from school. In my 4th grade class (Ms. Dean) I sat at a round table that’s back was against a large wall of cubbyholes, where there were stored craft supplies and papers.
I remember taking a pack of paper not once, but at least twice. I just slipped it into my backpack right from the shelf, just because I could do it without being noticed.

I can’t remember details of the other events as clearly, but I think I stole a candy souvenir once from someone after a field trip, right out of his open backpack… and I have the feeling there was more things, but they were all small and unimportant, and not something I can remember anymore.

I never got caught  and so eventually grew out of these things… which is, looking at it for what it is, a hell of a lot better than growing into trying bigger and better thievings!

Day 21: Haines City

I am not sure what I want to talk about today. I am so frustrated by a mirage of things, that I honestly want to go home. But I won't be able till midnight. At least I am off tomorrow. So, this is going to be posted in segments... Until I decide I am done. It is hard to do it at work since we have been so busy.

I remember when I was little there was a huge oak tree in our yard. I am not sure how old it was, but it was really tall... I want to say at least 15 feet, but obviously I could be wrong since when you are little, everything appears taller than it should be. I remember taking the acrons and throwing them at people. Mainly my sister

I think once I tried to plant an acorn thinking another huge oak would just sprout up. It is possible that a little tree grew there, but I honestly doubt it. I am sure some squirel was watching was I was doing, and dug up the acorn to eat, or hide. Once I was walking around barefoot under the oak tree, and stepped on a fork. That hurt. I honestly think now, that probably we were the one who brought it out, and left it by the tree, but I thought at the time that some wandering person had left it there. I remember there was a long walkway by the tree...

Mainly a dirt path, and it seemed like our driveway was really long, so it was a bit of a walk to get out to the road. It was a nice walk though... Oh course I may be wrong... I could have sworn we had a dirt drive way.

I remember a neighbor lived near us. She was the landlord's sister, and my sister tried to convince me she was a witch. I know that she would yell at us occasionally if we were too loud and near her house. I do remember going in her house a few times. I am not sure why. But usually we weren't allowed near her house. I think when we went trick or treating she gave us random things like fruit.

For awhile there was a trailer behind our house, and someone lived in it. I think. Maybe someone always live in it, but i remember one of the people had a chihuahua.

I remember my sister made me eat dirt. I also remember her making me crawl under the house for something. I want to say to eat a roly poly bug, but it may have just been to catch one.

I remember crawling under the house on more than one occasion. I was always afraid some animal would get me, but I remember one time crawling till almost the middle of the house, before something freaked me out, and I crawled back out. (I think I also tried to crawl under the house in Arcadia as well.)

I do know we were told not to go under the house.

As I think about this, I wonder how much I remember and how much is actually things i imagined. It is hard to tell.... It is weird to think something happened 20 years ago, or longer, and how your memory can shift and change in that amount of time.

Things can happen last week, and they seem like an eternity. Memory is such a strange thing. I think this is such an interesting challenge, because I think no matter what memory we write about, we can't always be 100% certain that things happened the way we thought. It is interesting to see two sides to an event, and I think that somewhere inbetween is actually the real story, and that maybe both sides are missing something.

Living with fur babies or cats

Thanks to Amanda C for the idea.

When my husband and I got together I had just lost a cat I loved named Soccer. He had to be put to sleep because of serious heart problems. He was 5. A few days later Cole, my hubby took me to the humane society to get a new cat. I didn't want another black because I didn't want to be remind of Soccer all the time. So of course Cole fell in love with a black kitten who looked like Soccer down to the white belly spot. So we got her and named her Mia in honor of Soccer. She is of course not like Soccer at all. She is shy, sneaky, whiny, and needy. I love her dearly but she can be annoying.

Once we moved to a bigger city I worked with a feral cat rescue and rehab. We ended up with two cute black fur balls at 5 weeks old who I worked with to be less feral or scared of people. My two girls Gillian and Sally.

Sally became my baby when I had flares. She sleeps with me when I have chills, and am sick or just need to nap.

Gillian became Mia's shadow and baby. They tend to stay together. Life with our 3 cats was good. We loved and care for them like children.

Then one day about 7 years ago we walked out our door and found to black boy kittens on the stairs. Our neighbors let their dog out to pick on them so we took them in saying we would call around and find someone who could take them in. Of course that didn't happen, my husband fell in love with one of them and so we kept them. We took them to the vet only to find out we had about 75% or more Maine Coons. They are tall and long built and weight over 25 lbs a piece. They are named Jack and Casey after Grateful Dead songs.

Life with 5 cats in a two bedroom apartment and 10 or more feral colony that my hubby found at the old warehouse were he worked. We have fixed the girls and boys we can catch. We feed them daily. People don't understand our reasons for having 5 cats nor do they understand we feed and care for the feral cats.

I guess you can say we are both cat people and can't let them just die because of the stupidity of people who toss animals away. We believe the boys were dumped at our old apartment complex.

I guess this is a memory of how I came to be the cat lady as people tend to call me.

Day 20: balls of fluff

Day 20
I wonder if my memories have been lacking a little. I want to write as much as I can but I am getting a little discouraged because of the lack of the comments. I want to try to finish the project though.
So, I may try to sketch out a couple of memories ahead of time. I am not sure it depends on how much down time there is at work. For some reasons, we seem to get a lot of phone calls lately. (These people need to stop breaking their coffee brewers, sadly it is close to christmas so I am sure it is not going to die down anytime soon.)
I know in a couple post I mentioned things that I would talk about later, and then I never got to them... I am going to try to by the end of the month....
Right now, I want to talk about cats (and a dog). I actually miss having cats. One of the last cats we had would take naps with me. He was a ginger cat named Rocky. He was adorable. He had a brother who was lighter than him named Merlin.
I remember before I would lay down, I would try to get him to play with the scroll calendar that was at the front of my bed, or other random little things.
Actually until middle school it seems we always had a cat. We had a dog once, or we were going to think of getting one. I tried to feed it when it was sleeping, and it bit me, so that was the end of that. I was 6 and thought it would be cute for him to wake up and find a treat near him. Obviously not a good plan. I don't think he hurt me, just nipped at me, since I don't remember getting stitches. (Only had stitches that one time, which I talked about when I fell up the stairs)
Sometime in Arcadia, between elementary and middle school, I remember I was angry about something. There was a cat in the window. One of the calico cats.. I honestly don't remember which one.
I think I was actually angry that the cat wouldn't play with me. I know I had been walking around the house, and at that time it was between mows, so the grass around the side yard and the front yard had grown like a wild jungle. I would play many games wandering through the grass, and climbing the japanese cherry tree.
Anyway, I was mad and for some reason got the urge to punch the window. I am not sure why I did it. But I did, and the window broke, and I got in trouble.
I know that wasn't the first window I had broken in Arcadia, since at one point safety glass was put in my window. That was the only window I punched though. Forgot what happened to the other ones. I think I accidently threw something through one.
I know we also had the cutest white cat ever. I think he was a burmase. I called him seal, because when he was born. He was a cute little cat.
We had him in Arcadia. His sister was Teddie, who had something wrong with her legs, and it looked like she had a slight limp. She made the trip with us to Melbourne, and lived in our van for a little bit.

Abi: Quacks and Shrinks. [20/30]

I remember being sick a lot when I was young… it was all so very frustrating.

I know I went to far too many doctors, and was taking far too many medications, and never found the real root of my problems.
I remember having chronic sore throats. Apparently one of my first illnesses as an infant was bronchitis, and it cropped up at least twice a year for many years of my life…
I also had chest pains when I was growing up, and went through so many test to figure it out.

My parents didn’t believe I was ill most of the time. They had heard it so often they just would sooner turn the other way than listen to my complaints. I hated it, because all I wanted was to feel okay, not have pains nearly all of the time.
I remember once that my parents insisted it was all in my head, but begrudging took me to the doctor regardless (probably to get an excuse for my absences, which were numerous). I found out that the sore throat I was having, which was pretty common type for me, was actually Strep throat. I’d ever forget, because I was so pleased to be able to throw it into my parents face that it was NOT all in my head.
Later, in High School, I was still having throat issues and ended up at a Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor who up said I needed my tonsils out, that from the looks of it I’d had tonsillitis several times before (I think there was scarring or something).
At least the throat thing could be remedied in some regards, or at least identified as real, unlike my chest pains.

My chest pains started early in life, the latest possible start to it being 4th grade, but it could have been as early as 2nd.
I recall the doctor we saw in Haines City for it (I’m pretty sure it was Haines City). I can remember his office was in the shopping plaza and had the tall windows in the front. They had a Dalmatian poster on the wall (I think it’s the one with the cat having all the puppies, or whatever the damned thing is… but it’s a popular one).
The doctor there tried to tell me I had asthma and that I needed to get rid of my cats.
Fucker.
I’ve NEVER in my life had an asthmatic attack, ever. I did, however, end up with an inhalator for awhile and was told to use it when I had the chest pains. Naturally, this did nothing to help my pains, just totally freaked me out. (I cannot even begin to express the nature of an inhalator and it’s chemical nastiness… argh… It’s been well over a decade, but I can still remember it. I cringe).

I ended up being tossed from doctor to doctor, some with ideas of what was wrong, some with crackpot theories. I remember one doctor insisted it was ‘growing pains’. What the hell are growing pains? Why would I have severe chest pain just because I was growing, and for years on end? Does this make any sense at all? I doesn’t to me, because there was no way I would except these pangs as something normal and natural. The hell.

I ended up at All Children’s in St. Pete for some overnight things, x-rays, some tube down my throat (camera?), and an internal sample taken… It was either that doctor, or another, that ended up saying I had a  hiatal hernia and that the chest pains I was feeling was actually heart burn.
I know what heart burn feels like, and I very RARELY get it (though for some reason drinking more then two colas from aluminium cans WILL give me heart burn)… Damn, I think I only ever got it once while pregnant with either of my girls. I just don’t have that issue, and it was most certainly NOT what the chest pains were.

I think the closest I got to a resolution for the chest pains was just as I was turning 18 or so. I was finally diagnoses with Depression and Anxiety issues (and I am pretty sure that one asshat I saw said I was Bipolar, but he also said my root issue was my weight and I needed to eat less… so anything that judgemental prick said is ignored, pretty much… Most people who know me can tell you that I don’t actually overeat)… and I was finally taken to a Cardiologist who monitored me for a day or so with a box that they hooked up and I had to carry like a shoulder bag. He ended up telling me I had an abnormally fast heart rate (which didn’t help my panic attacks of those days ONE bit) and put me on medication that slowed me down (so much so that I felt delayed mentally and stopped taking it).

I still have issues with chest pain, but I think most of it is anxiety attacks, which I don’t have so much anymore (maybe once or twice a year, instead of on a daily basis)… But I really don’t know why I would have had them in 4th grade, when I was only 10 or so.

I missed out on a lot because I was never feeling proper. I ended up testing to be in Gifted in both Haines City and Melbourne, but rejected because of my attendance records.
Ultimately it’s why I never finished school.

I wonder, now, how much of my issue was Depression… and I’m bothered by this. I know that my mum and dad would have only seen that as being in my head, and not notice the seriousness of it.

In fact, I recall the first time I took the test for Depression (at Dr. Aurand’s (spelling) who is the same doctor who tried to tell me I was ADHD, then when he changed the diagnosis to Depression said it was because they had similar symptoms), that my mother stood over my shoulder and tried to correct me at some point by saying: “You don’t feel like that.”
The fuck, how would she know what I felt?
I think, sadly, that a lot of this could have been managed with the right medication… that is, if they could ever find something that worked for me.
Medications and I do not mix well. For everything I was ever put on either I would feel no change or I would have nasty side effects (save for maybe antibiotics).

As it is pain killers don’t work on me (especially over-the-counter ones), and analgesics to put me under only work, if at all, for a short period of time… I think, honestly, I build a tolerance to these types of things.

One more note, before I close this topic: Drawing blood from me is incredibly hard, and I have NEVER been able to find someone to prick me just once in order to get the blood. I think they called it rolling veins… and also my veins have collapsed when they’ve tried to get an IV going in me. Makes doing all these test even more fun—NOT.
 Ah, but I will not get into how Medicine has failed me, I’ve covered enough tonight.

Abi: Playing with fire. [19/30]

I remember, today, my obsession with fire.

I remember a childhood friend, Christina, and I would burn pages of her colouring book (that she won from a colouring competition. I was to say it was a Beetlejuice one, but I cannot be positive). We’d do it in her backyard, sitting up against the porch so that we could burn the pages right under it and let it fall to the dirt below. It was our little secret thing, even Amanda wasn’t around when we did it… In fact I think we were trying to cast spells on my sister (I wonder where we’d picked up the idea of spell casting, because I didn’t start studying Wicca for at least four more years… we must have seen it on the telly or something). If you recall, my sister was still just my shadow, and not yet solid as a person to me, in those early years…
Of course we were not to be caught doing this, because surely eight year olds ought not play with fire… I think we were very lucky to not have something go dreadfully wrong all those days.

I remember when we moved to Arcadia I had a stash of matches, a large pot, loose newspaper, and candles in my room hidden in the farthest closet. I’d used the pot to burn things in, basically for amusement.
I’d stare at the fire for ages. Just the way it moved, the smoke that came out… it was mesmerizing… and so impermissible.
I never remember being caught, which is so weird, as you would think that people could smell the burning of things… Where the hell were my parents when I did these things?!

I do, vaguely, remember the event my sister described in a post earlier this month, about me burning her with the end of a cotton swab while we were playing with fire on the living room floor (in my fire pot, I believe)… I don’t ever remember it being intentional as she had often tried to say to me through out the years. (She used to be very keen on pointing out all the times I wronged her; and still does, though I perceive it as only teasing now.)

On one occasion I learned how NOT to put out a fire. I remember I was in a rush, and needed to put the pot of burning paper out that sat on my dresser in the corner. I had on hand only a half bottle of Snapple… which when poured on the fire did put out the flames, but only AFTER making a  flash of fire a foot high, in the air above the pot.
I will not attempt that one again.

I do know my mum had a fear of fires, she would never light the pilot on her mum’s stove (and was so entirely pleased to not have a gas stove for herself). I don’t remember if she explained that to me or not, but I know she often got flustered (to put it gently) at me lighting candles as well.

What’s humourous is I lost my interest in fire after a few years, most likely because it’s not so forbidden once you become an adult. However, for the longest time I was, and still today, considered a pyromaniac… And John still insists on hiding spare lighters and matches from me (or else I will take them and hide them myself, because it’s always nice to have something on hand). Apparently my like of fire puts people off… and of course I still play with fire from time to time, naturally, but my element of life-time passion is still air.

It’s odd to me is that I developed a fear of fires for awhile… I don’t fear my very controlled fires, I fear those of others. I have heard so many ill tales of events to do with fire that just the general fear of one coming from no where (or my neighbours) has haunted me for several years… which might have been tied in with the recurring nightmares I had about fire (which I haven’t had in quite sometime, OR the fear either).

Day 19: Nana Pearl

I should actually update my journal with more than memories... Maybe I will later.

Anyway, my memory today is about my grandmother.

I remember she used to make this wonderful cheesecake, and she also made these biscuits from scratch. Nothing taste like the ones she used to make. Or I wonder if the memory of it is what makes it seems like it was a lot more epic than anything else you can find.

I remember one time her letting me and elizabeth help her make the biscuits, and the cheesecake. I remember she always used to let us help in the kitchen. Probably not do a lot, but she always let us when we could especially as we got older.

I remember the kitchen where she used to live. It wasn't a huge kitchen, but it wasn't the size of my kitchen now, which is almost a closet... Her kitchen always felt warm and open.

I remember most of the time she had these really good fudgecicles in her freezer. I honestly think they were like low cal or something but they always seemed like a wonderful treat to have.

I remember in the summer we would stay at her house for a week, I think on some summers, it wasn't the same week.

I remember watching soap operas with her, and no matter how long I was away, they still seemed to be on the same storyline.

I remember she liked to play bingo. She would try to go whenever she could. I know the older she got the less she was able to go especially after she was banned from driving. She was a bit of a speed demon, and I can think of at least three times she was in a car wreck. I think only one major one she was hurt.

She used to have this old white car, it was an Oldsmobile. I think for years, she would get similiar looking cars. I know once she got a sport little red car, but that car didn't last very long.

I remember once when she lived with my aunt, we got locked out. Me and elizabeth and her had taken a little walk, or gone out to do some gardening. I don't remember which. Nana had left her key inside. So, I remember Abi shimmy into the house and unlock the door. Oh course, once she crawled into the window, the alarm started blaring, so she had to get to the door quickly so Nana could turn it off. While we were opening the window, one of the palmetto leaves from the saw palmetto cut Nana, and I remember her dripping blood from her head.

I remember as long as she could remember she would always send birthday cards to me and abi.

Also, one year I had a joint birthday celebration with her, and my dad. We all have December birthdays, so they are a few weeks apart. i think we also celebrated Christmas because her birthday was two days after Christmas.

She bought us easter dresses for a long time when we were little, and I remember a couple times she would take us to a large park where they were holding a huge easter egg hunt.

I do remember the last years where she didn't seem to remember who we were, and that was a little sad, but I like to dwell on the happy memories, where it seemed we always had fun and she was always happy to see us.